Communication, compromise and commitment are chapter headings in every book on healthy marriages. We're told by experts that when these three legs are in good working order, they make for a strong marriage, regardless of the weight that life puts on it - and they're not wrong!

With my 22nd wedding anniversary fast approaching, I wondered what else my fellow marriage veterans wished they'd been told before they'd made their vows...

Figure out what marriage means
Claire has been married to Richard for 23 years. Teachers and convention breakers, they've navigated complex families who opposed their relationship from the beginning. "We chose to go on a great weekend marriage preparation course, where we were challenged to think about things such as emotional baggage, families, expectations and the commitment we were making," says Claire. They picked up lots of practical tips on how to really hear and listen to one another.

"Consider marriage. Really evaluate it, before you step in. What exactly is it? What's the point of it? Why are you getting married? Because we worked through that question together, it was clear in our heads exactly what we were agreeing to," she says. Claire and Richard discussed the marriages they didn't want to emulate, as well as the ones they did. They talked about what it would take to pull the eject button, and what the warning signs might be. They planned ahead to avoid their relationship losing its sparkle, and the annual 'marriage MOT' questions they'd ask each other.

"We knew it would be an enormous adventure, but we were determined to understand what we were stepping into with our eyes wide open. Despite all the crazy extended family stuff which under other circumstances would have broken us, we have been so blessed with love for one another, plus we've had the sticking power of limpets to one another. We never expected perfection in a Hollywood sense," she explains. "We've had difficulties and disappointments and hurts along the way, as well as the deep joys and love." Having watched their relationship and family flourish over the past 15 years, their choice to do a little groundwork before their walk down the aisle seriously paid off!

People view the same life from different vantage points
Anne and Rob met at university - the same campus, same playlists, same passionate creativity, same friends and same favourite coffee shop. They seemed like a perfect match, and assumed that they thought similarly about life, the universe, everything. However, as the wedding approached, they realised that they placed different values on tradition, family, manners, order and expectations. On their best days they worked together brilliantly, compassionately, and collaboratively. On their worst days, Anne got shouty; Rob buried himself in silence.

"I wish someone had told us to expect that the different viewpoints we hold will surface in our shared life. Not wrong or right vantage points, just different." Anne says. "We bring our own baggage; our history, behaviour patterns, values and beliefs to the relationship. It's hardly surprising. We've relied on a particular framework from childhood, and it feels right to make decisions based on what we know and have experienced." For Anne and Rob, being able to make decisions together has meant scheduling in regular conversations every Sunday evening to keep ahead of any brewing conflict.


Children will change you both deeply
Both primary school teachers, Mhairi and Shotti were very familiar with children, and were keen to have children of their own.

"Teaching children, and having children, are worlds apart," says Shotti, now 14 years into marriage and with four children under 10 years old. "Having children will change you both as individuals, and the way you work as team."  

Mhairi is keen to share that "It's not negative, it's just your work together takes on another dimension. We have to work as a team, and we're outnumbered - then add to that the responsibility that we're raising actual humans! It takes guts and grit, and a hefty amount of laughter, and being OK with not thinking about yourself for a year or seven! But it is amazing. I'm sometimes totally caught off guard by how much I respect Shotti, his empathy, compassion, and selflessness. The exhaustion is part of the landscape, but it's a landscape I am glad we're crossing together."

"She can be another level of patient," says Shotti. "Or not!" interrupts Mhairi. "We know each other's buttons, and are experts at pushing them. But having children has meant that everything has shifted internally. Being responsible for your own small people means you're connected to a bigger picture, and you don't have the option of selfishness. Parenthood is a relentlessly humanising thing."

We cannot change our spouses
Read it again. We cannot change our spouses. Ali and Cate have finally come to a happy resignation after 32 years of married life. "I'm not happy about it at all," Ali says with a laugh. "But the truth is that love means we choose them as they are, and they choose us as we are. End of story." Cate insists on underlining the fact that if the "happy love chemicals" in our brain think the way he leaves all the cupboard doors open is endearing, we need to remember that for the lifetime ahead. We cannot expect that habit will ever change, simply because there is a gold band on his finger. "Get comfy with her quirky tradition of slurping the gravy, or his love of a bargain, or her inability to remember which day is bin day, because all those things are here for the duration," says Cate. "You cannot change someone else. You think you know that at the outset, but you still find yourself making the case over and over that if the other person just changes one little thing, you'll be happy. It doesn't work. What you can do is understand whether you need to change something about yourself, then invite the other person to help you and trust that if one of you is moving somewhere, both of you will eventually move. It just might not be as soon as you'd like."

Maintenance is essential
We regularly get our cars checked over, our windows cleaned, our phones updated. We go to the gym weekly, get our hair cut regularly, go on refresher courses, but we rarely ask for support when it comes to our relationships.

Ester and Sam have this advice from 16 years together. "If you are in it for the long haul, make sure you both expect to get some relationship facilitation, coaching or therapy at some point. It's like car mechanics - very few people can do without a professional! Maintain the engine before smoke is pouring out of the bonnet and you should avoid the worst breakdowns."


Marriages need community
One of my favourite things to do in the first decade of our marriage was having other couples over. It was brilliant to fuel perspective and enjoy life outside of us. Jo has been married for 19 years and also believes "marriages need community - sooner or later. I wish someone had told me that getting lost in each other is actually really isolating and depleting. Romance might be a couple's weekend, but it's not the healthiest place to set up shop. Spending time and energy creating life with other people, in a community of friends, is a fun and fabulous way to get some fresh air into your home. Be that kind of community to other couples. You'll all win as a result."

Promote love first
When I asked Debbie and Ian, who have been married for 23 years, for their marriage wisdom, I knew it would be good.

Debbie shared: "Nobody told me the value of experiencing real 'you first' love. I really don't deserve the constant kindness, offerings of cups of tea, defrosting of car windscreens and taking the bins out come rain or shine. I don't deserve being listened to when I whinge about my day, or being accepted when I fail, or having my mad-cap ideas about projects being taken seriously. I never thought he would have enough patience to keep on loving me, nor enough love to sustain our friendship through the many challenges. I wasted lots of time battling to promote 'me' in our relationship, rather than looking for the 'us' bit. 'Us' has been a great find."

Hearing how his 'you first' love has empowered Debbie, and brought him a lot more love in return, makes me want to be a little bit more 'Ian' in my own marriage.