Keep calm and marry on

 

It’s understandable – planning a wedding is a major undertaking. “From choosing the perfect venue to managing the guest list, the pressure can become overwhelming. It's a common experience, often marked by feelings of frustration or nervousness. This stress usually stems from external demands and can manifest physically, perhaps as fatigue or tension,” explains Lorraine Collins (lccounselling.com), a BACP registered Integrative Psychotherapist and Cognitive Behavioural Therapist “Thankfully, it's often manageable through practical strategies like prioritising tasks and leaning on friends and family for support.”

 

But pre-wedding anxiety? That’s different. “It often involves deeper concerns that go beyond the logistics of planning. You might find yourself worrying about the future or feeling uncertain about the marriage itself,” says Lorraine. “While some level of anxiety is natural, persistent feelings of worry that interfere with your daily life may indicate something more.” Watch for symptoms like racing thoughts and physical sensations of unease.

 

One way to tell the difference between stress and anxiety is to pinpoint what you’re worrying about. “Anxiety differs from stress in that it centres itself around longer term fears and worries, what if questions and worst-case scenarios that can sometimes keep you up at night. Am I doing the right thing? Do I love this person enough? Will our marriage last? Will I trip over going up the aisle? Will I get jilted?” explains Charlotte Jefferson (crjtherapy.com), an Integrative Psychotherapist. If your worries feel all-encompassing, it might be time to take action.

 

Considering you’re organising a big event, processing a monumental change and merging families to boot, some stress is inevitable – but stress itself isn’t all bad. “Stress has a bad reputation, but it’s a powerful motivator that helps you get everything organised,” says Charlotte. “Changing our relationship with stress can really help to keep it manageable and productive.”

 

You don’t have to do it all. “I ask my clients to do a mini-inventory of the things they can outsource and delegate. Also, think about the things within and outside of your control – writing it down helps and is something I encourage my clients to do,” says Lorraine. “Once you can see what you can outsource, give yourself permission to allow others to take some responsibility for you. After all, this is your day, where you’ll be expected not to do the ‘heavy lifting’. This is the time to really allow yourself to be cared for by others around you and communicate your needs.”

 

And when it comes to who to ask, think far and wide. “Toastmasters, wedding venue coordinators and willing friends and relatives can all play their part in assisting you,” says Charlotte. 

 

If you feel like you’re drowning in ‘to dos’, consider scaling back and focusing on your main priorities. “It might be that you want to prioritise the thing you both love and make that non-negotiable,” says Lorraine. “By thinking about the non-negotiables, you’re effectively making a ‘not-to-do’ list and letting go of things that may be unnecessarily taking up head space.”

 

Once you’ve delegated some tasks and got a manageable to do list, it’s time to put your thinking cap on. “If there’s an issue that has certain factors within your control, get brainstorming ideas on how to pre-empt the problems,” says Charlotte. “Afraid of forgetting the rings? Make it someone else’s priority job. Worried about family tensions? Get them on opposite sides of the seating plan. Tackle that to-do list and maybe colour code time-pressured tasks. This will help you to increase your feelings of readiness and control.”

 

If you mind is spiralling into ‘what if’ worst-case scenarios, challenge those thoughts. “Reframing your perspective of the situation and changing those negative thoughts can be really useful – how likely is it really that your dad and granny are going to have a bust-up on the dancefloor? Or that your loving partner isn’t going to show up?” says Charlotte. “These negative thoughts left unchecked can feel like they are taking over your mind; take a little time to notice your thoughts and consider how realistic they are and whether they’re fuelled by anxieties.”

 

iStock.com/Hispanolistic

 

If certain accounts make you feel inadequate, it’s okay to unfollow. “Detox your social media feeds if necessary – be discerning about what you’re putting into your mind as well as your body,” says Lorraine.

 

As Charlotte explains, “Social media circulates thousands of images depicting ‘the perfect couple’, couple goals and spectacular ceremonies with weeping onlookers. Just remember these are carefully choreographed snapshots; there is no such thing as a perfect marriage (or life!) – relationships take hard work, compromise and purposeful engagement to thrive.”

 

It’s your event and it’s natural to want your guests to have the time of their lives – but remember, you’re not actually in control of that. “The people who are coming to your wedding are there because they love and support you and your partner,” says Charlotte. “Once you’ve laid on a wedding that reflects the love you share, ultimately your guests are the ones who are responsible for their own enjoyment of the day.” 

 

If you can feel yourself spiralling, come back to something you can control: your breath. “I suggest to my clients the four-six breathing technique that can help self-regulate,” says Lorraine.

● Start in a comfortable seated position

● Be sure to sit upright, keeping your spine tall

● Inhale through your nose for four counts, letting your chest and belly expand

● Slowly exhale through your mouth for six seconds

● Repeat for 10 minutes (or your preferred period of time)

 

If you find breathwork helpful, consider an evening practice too. “Gift yourself the practice of calming yoga nidra before bedtime. This not only helps to unwind and calm your nervous system but can also help with sleep too,” says Lorraine.

 

Another useful mindset shift is to be realistic and see the beauty in imperfections. “The pressure to have a perfect day, look perfectly perfect and have perfect weather, whilst all of your guests love every minute is, quite simply, madness,” says Charlotte. “Perhaps reflect that often, even if something doesn’t go perfectly, it is still a cherished memory and an amazing experience, often even more so thanks to those unexpected moments, terrible speeches or comical mishaps.”

 

If you find yourself living in the future, it can be useful to deliberately bring yourself back to the present moment. “Practice staying in the moment, taking in the sights, smells, sounds and people around you whilst letting your thoughts arrive and leave again without judgement,” says Charlotte. “Take time to enjoy the little things and the careful planning. Soon enough, it will all be over and you might wish you had taken it all in a little more.”

 

It’s easy to get caught up in the planning, but don’t lose sight of the bigger picture.

“You’re getting married to someone you love and want to create memories with. Let this time be an opportunity to reset and create memories as you go,” says Lorraine. “Remember, some of the most charming memories are often when things don’t go strictly to plan. That’s ok – the essence of why you’re getting married is the foundation that holds everything together.”

 

And if you need a reminder of your why? “Remember to make intentional time doing things that aren’t wedding related with your spouse-to-be too to ease the pressure,” says Charlotte. 

 

“Often, we already know the strategies that can help us; it's just a matter of remembering to implement them,” says Lorraine. “Keep in mind that anxiety is a natural part of being human. However, distorted thinking can amplify our worries, as our minds try to ensure we're prepared for every possibility. By addressing these thoughts, you can find a clearer path forward.”

 

However, if wedding stress starts feeling all-consuming, you might want to ask for help. “If it is interfering in your ability to enjoy your wedding plans or get things done, perhaps making you feel low, affecting your relationships or causing conflict, then you could consider reaching out to a qualified therapist,” advises Charlotte. “This can be such a beneficial space, either as a couple or individually, to help unpack your thoughts and feelings in a confidential, judgement-free environment and find some clarity.”

 

Lorraine Collins lorraine@lccounselling.com

Lorraine Collins (lccounselling.com) is a BACP registered Integrative Psychotherapist and Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, with over 15 years of experience

 

Charlotte Jefferson (crjtherapy.com) is an Integrative Psychotherapist, trained to a Master’s level, based in North Yorkshire working in private practice and a secondary school. 

 

Main image iStock.com/nikkimeel