Gender Roles in Wedding Planning

It's no secret that the origins of marriage are not so kind to women. The fossilised remains of objectification and ownership have paved the way for expectations of male and female behaviour that can feel constrictive, outdated and, honestly, not all that fun. Gender can sometimes feel divided into a giddy, female, clipboard-toting camp, and a male faction that's full of tumbleweed and empty beer cans. These generalisations seem imbalanced in their expectations and, ultimately, in their possible rewards. The benefits of wedding planning go far beyond the 'I dos' of your dreams; they can lead to lightbulb career moments, a fresh belief in your own abilities and a myriad of marvellous memories. It's time to take these stereotypes to task, break free from expectations and find what works for you and your wedding.

The way you plan and build your wedding day sets the tone for the celebration itself as well as your future lifetime of making plans together. Feelings of resentment, exclusion and frustration can be unwanted side effects to 'Project Wedding' and it's useful to take a considered approach to an often pressurised and stressful time. So, we've enjoyed playfully highlighting the stereotypical roles each gender takes on while planning, and, if you're that way inclined, demonstrated how you can boycott them with gleeful abandon once and for all.

The bride
Does 'Bridezilla' sound familiar? Brides are pigeon-holed as wedding obsessed monsters, intent on shedding at least half of their body mass and single-handedly planning an outrageously expensive day. They're expected to have dreamt of this moment since the dawning of a Disney-saturated childhood and have solid opinions on seasonal floral arrangements. Sadly, self-worth and body confidence take a pummelling from aspirational bridal airbrushing and Pinterest overload causes total cerebral meltdown. The bride is expected to have detailed lists, plans, spreadsheets and timelines memorised, and sent more emails than Mark Zuckerberg. The pressure to be a bundle of squealing excitement is applied to all female roles within wedding planning (especially the bride), something that is utterly exhausting and, let's face it, not expected of the boys.

How to boycott:
Simply put: collaborate, have fun and don't give self-doubt the time of day. Feeling comfortable in a day that reflects you ensures no comparisons to other weddings/organisational styles/brides and lets you focus on important things, like time with friends and Netflix marathons. Use Google drive or dropbox to share files and ensure your partner/friends/family make this wedding a team effort. Or, take a back seat and put the kettle on while asking your fiance which florist they've booked.

The groom
It's fair to say that, traditionally, grooms have taken quite the back seat when it coming to wedding planning. Pressure to appear masculine and without emotion dictate that the feminine frivolity of weddings is to be given a wide berth. Bridal control cements the notion that this is no place for male ideas or snazzy socks, and so the cycle of 'just showing up' continues.

How to boycott:
Invest time, interest and consideration into your wedding day. Become a solid team with your partner and discuss what you both want from the day and how to utilise your respective strengths and weaknesses. Go dress shopping with your fiancee's favourite ladies and use it as a chance to bond and visualise your day. Send emails, compile mood boards and get excited!

The best man/men
The opposition to contented marital bliss, it is widely considered that the best man's role is to ensure copious amounts of drinking, stag do debauchery and maximum-level embarrassment with a speech that sweeps the lad point board. Yet again, tapping into the stereotypical male role of disinterest, the stag do planning is given much more consideration than any support for the day itself.

How to boycott:
Kick antiquated notions of commitment dodging to the curb. Support the groom in all aspects of wedding planning and be prepared to muck in with paperwork, phone calls and decorative discussion. Ask questions, check in with the happy couple about how they are feeling and empathise with the excitement and anxiety a wedding can bring. Boycott with kindness, and give that awkward speech a miss.

The bridesmaids
You can see the fear of being made to look like a frumpy Quality Street wrapper in every bridesmaid's eyes, and let's not even discuss the possible hen do melodrama (that is a total nightmare to organise). Being female, bridesmaids can be counted on to assist with girly tasks like shopping, crafting and Spanx discussions.

How to boycott:
Be the fiercest girl gang imaginable. Stand proud, write a speech and play it breezy with a hen do to remember. Be an example of women building each other up and use the opportunity of time spent together to try new things and surprise yourself. Appoint male friends as honorary bridal squad members and organise a night out/in while leaving the groom squad with some crafty wedmin tasks and a mission to learn calligraphy.

The parents
It's a generational thing. Parents certainly have their own preconceived notions of what a wedding day should look like (it probably involves a perm), and they may well have a financial vested interest in your day, too. Guest list conversations could descend into nostalgic teenage door slamming, and hats are mentioned frequently. A strange element of competition between families can seep into the planning process that negates the cohesive joining of clans as well as adding unnecessary stress. Mums get overbearing, dads want to talk cash and they may have a not-so-secret desire to turn your wedding into a social statement to show the neighbours who's boss.

How to boycott:
Involve both sets of parents in the planning as much as you can, while being frank and honest in your communication with them. Cook a meal and invite everyone over to talk budget, delegation and your intentions. Discuss the familial aspects contained within a wedding (for example, the notion of 'giving away' or the father of the bride speech) and decide how important these actually are to you and your families. Sit down with the dads and look at invitation samples, while inviting the mums to sample local ales for the bar.

Thankfully, much of the behaviour referenced in this article has largely been given the old heave-ho by our increasingly enlightened society and more couples plan equally and joyously. That being said, if you feel conversations or roles becoming unbalanced or frustrating, hold a wedding party meeting and realign the harmonious equality. Skewing traditional gender roles opens the floor to giddy new heights of interest for all involved: who knew your dad had such a sophisticated wedding cake palate? And I'm sure you'll never forget constructing a reclaimed wood photo booth with your bridesmaids. By following the 'norm', we make each other wear outdated characters that may not fit our individual personalities - why not have some fun trying out other roles and decide which fits best?

words Emily Colwill

Copyright Wed magazine 2017