"If you can't do things apart and be individuals, it will be hard to make it as a pair."
Pick your battles
In an ideal world, your partner would always remember to hoover under the sofa. But they don't, and how you react should depend on how important the issue is in the grand scheme of life. "Open communication is amazing, but some things are really not worth the conversation or the argument. I think learning to cut your partner and yourself some slack goes a long ways towards marital happiness," says Kelsey.
You do this by reframing the situation. Amy explains how this worked wonders for her marriage: "I used to get so irritated when my husband would almost finish something and I'd be slightly inconvenienced. For example, he's great at taking out the rubbish but never replaces the bag. Instead of getting annoyed, I'm choosing to be grateful somebody else took out the rubbish and all I have to do is replace the liner. It sounds simple, but it has made for such a peaceful, grateful home."
The result? Instead of feeling resentment, you feel gratitude. Of course, if the repeated action is a real source of discontent, it's a battle - or rather, discussion! - worth having.
Nick Walker (and main image)
Spare the comparing
Olivia and Peter look like Abercrombie & Fitch models, Sandra and Jack are travelling the world and Mike and Tom agree on everything. But comparing your relationship with others is pointless because every marriage is different. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and this is true in marriage too. Also, as Sarah points out, usually what you see is a tiny snapshot. "Typically you only see the good parts of other people's marriages," she says. "Don't compare your behind the scenes with someone else's highlights reel."
Bedroom basics
Anyone in a relationship with a duvet hog will sympathise with this tip from Alyson: "Use separate blankets on the bed! This is a half-joking, half-serious answer." And if that doesn't suffice, Natasha suggests kicking it up a notch: "Get a king-size bed along with separate blankets. Our relationship has never been better." Then of course, there is the matter of what you get up to in-between the covers. Amy has some sage advice: "Put work and energy into your sex life. Keep it fun. Keep it spicy. A boring or absent sex life amplifies other frustrations with my husband and it happens to him regarding me, too. When we make exciting sex a priority, we're a more unified team in the other areas of our life."
Enchanted Brides
Throw out the rule book
Rules are made to be broken, and what works for one couple can be disastrous for another. Not going to bed angry is a good example of this. "Last time I went to bed angry, I ground my teeth and ended up with a sore jaw for weeks," says Joy. Yet for Layne? Going to bed angry is preferable. "It's really torturous to me to stay up when I should be sleeping, just to 'resolve' a fight. I just get more irritable as I get more tired. I would much rather say: 'Let's talk about this in the morning.' Then we'll have both had time to sleep it off and are more logical."
Be independent
There is a tendency for lives to enmesh as relationships grow deeper. And while spending lots of quality time together is necessary, having your own interests is important too. "Do things separately! You don't need to have the same hobbies and friends," says Chloe. Jessica suggests achieving this through having separate interests: "If you can't do things apart and be individuals, it will be hard to make it as a pair."
Enchanted Brides
Communication is king
Letting each other in is part of having a healthy relationship and to do that you need to work out how to communicate effectively with one another. "Don't make your partner play the guessing game - neither of you are mind readers! Speak your mind, but in a loving manner," says Marlo.
Disagreements will crop up - it's the inevitable consequence of two unique individuals sharing their lives with one another. Learning how to deal with these issues when they come up is the important bit. For example, if you're in the throes of rage, cool down before you have a discussion. Stephanie suggests you agree on a time to have a proper discussion, whether that's after dinner or the next morning - but make sure it's at a time that suits you both. "Bring notes if you need to. Think about what the most important things you want to be heard on are, how this makes you feel and why you feel this way? And then - and this is important: listen to each other. Often, when you reflect on what's important to you and the reasons behind it, while taking the emotion out of the equation, you can solve a problem together without it being an argument."
Of course this means, from time to time, you will be wrong. As Jess says, it's important you accept that you can't win everything. "Not every argument needs to be won. Be open about how you are feeling. Don't be afraid of change."
Freckle Photography
Take the pressure off
For many, having children is the next step after marriage. But it doesn't have to be. As Christina points out, it's a choice, not a requirement. "Don't have kids just because you think it's a natural next step or because you're being pressured to. I loved having kids, but it's not for everyone and not having kids is a completely valid choice. It's important and necessary for people to recognise that in themselves and in their relationship before it's too late."
Learn your love languages
We all give and accept love in different ways. Some people feel most cherished when their partners pick up the weekly shop so they don't have to, while for others nothing beats snuggling up on the sofa with a glass of wine. If you want to learn more about this, it's time to research your 'love languages'. "I highly recommend the book 'The 5 Love Languages' for everyone. It really helped us understand how to best show our love to each other in ways that the other person appreciates," says Natasha.
Freckle Photography
Kindness is key
Remember the old adage "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"? It's not true. Words can hurt and once they're out you can't take them back, so avoid them in the first place. "We never call each other names and we never speak ill of each other to other people," says Kristina. Melissa adds: "It's easy to get too comfortable when you spend so much time with someone. Don't use them as your punching bag or take them for granted. Respect them and appreciate them."
Common courtesy also goes a long way but it can easily slip when you're used to having the other person around. "Thank each other constantly for doing chores and anything they do at all. I would thank a stranger for doing it, why wouldn't I thank my loved ones? It works well for us," says Karin.
It's also worth remembering to cut your partner some slack when they need it. "Marriage is rarely 50/50. When one can only give 40, the other needs to give 60, and vice versa," says Kara.
Travers & Brown
Never stop dating
Stop things going stale by continuing to go on dates. As Torrey says: "Don't just hang out on the couch and call it quality time. Do fun things together." Christie shares some of the ways she keeps the spark alive with her partner: "We often leave each other love notes (on paper, in cards, on the steamy bathroom mirror), will go on a date at least once a week, buy each other little presents for no reason, and make time to reconnect after hard days or weeks at work."
Make the right choice
When all is said and done, marriage is a choice you have made - and one you have to keep on making if you're going to make it. As Christie says: "Marriage is all about choice. Every day we wake up and choose to love one another, to listen, to support our other half, and choose to be the best possible versions of ourselves for the sake of the other. And because of that, we have chosen forever."
Travers & Brown
words Abby Driver
Copyright Wed magazine 2017
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