Nick Walker
Growing up, we're advised: 'when you meet him, you'll just know'. This is decidedly unhelpful. On at least three separate occasions I swear I just knew. This recurring conviction meant that when the matter of engagement loomed, as The Moment approached, I secretly took a three-day road-trip to visit my original One. (Well, a girl has to know which One is the One, right?)
Despite hearing the Romance Police sirens in the distance, it's time to ask if there is such a thing as The One. Might there be more than One? Could there be two, or three, seven, 90 or an infinite amount? Couples often question their relationship in the light of life's mundane realities (stress, money, grief). They wonder whether their partner ever was The One, whether they made a mistake in committing to The (Wrong) One. People have a belief that "if I have married the Love of My Life, I will be happy ever after". But can this ever be true?
Considering we are imperfect human beings marrying other imperfect human beings, the goal of unending wedded bliss is a high-stakes gamble. Believing we are destined for one specific person narrows down our personal happiness to rest precariously on two small shoulders (shoulders we have to locate and identify first, and then coerce into our perfect fairytale ending!). And what if we never bump into our One? Do we turn into Crazy Cat Woman wandering the globe, aimlessly hoping that fate, karma or cottage cheese will some day guide our eyes across a crowded room in Barcelona or Basingstoke? Worse still, what if we had The One and then lost them: would we forever be destined to a miserable existence settling for second best?
Ross Talling
FAMILY MATTERS
So what motivates that life-altering walk down the aisle? One of marriage's big outcomes is to recreate what we want family to be. We want all the best bits, without the worst. As human beings, we are compelled to grow and heal, to connect and create. Choosing a life partner helps us in our journey to recreate the best of family, and leave behind the worst of family, by making a new family. We pick and pursue partners that are in essence, familiar. It's why the phrase 'I feel like I've known you forever' holds such truth. In a sense, we have. We have types, relational patterns: girlfriends who have the same frustrating traits, boyfriends who are into extreme sports or pension planning. These important relationships help us grow, change, and co-create the kind of committed connectedness we would like to be a part of.
But does that theory actually work? Ask your partner, 'what kind of Christmas would you like this year?' Try to hear not only the what, but especially the why. Their answer may be positive or negative, but from my experience, it will go something like this...
"I'd like to XXXXX, because in my family we XXXXX and it made me feel XXXXX."
Jess Petrie
Our history influences our future. Redoing family is one wonderful, crazy, beautiful outcome of marriage. People say 'you can't choose your family' (usually when Uncle Bob's misbehaving at the reception), but here's the truth: on your wedding day, you do. You choose them out of the 7,367,352,679 (I told you it was rising) people on planet Earth, and you make them family. Your family.
So whoever you've chosen to meet you at the end of the aisle is your One, for better or worse. The adventure of marriage is living out that lifetime commitment. There will be days that feel choppy, that require work, patience and forgiveness, and there will be days when you've never sailed so smoothly. But as each anniversary passes, love and enjoy the journey you have set out on together, as One.
Nova Photography
We asked you to share your thoughts on finding 'The One'...
"The decision to become life partners was the biggest choice I've ever made. I was surrounded by people who talked about finding The One. If you believe there is only a single One, there can be an overwhelming fear that you'll choose The Wrong One. Or if you convince yourself they are The One, what happens when reality bites and there are patches where it's not that great...the 'in sickness and in health' bits...the disappointment...
I believe you don't find The One, but you become The One. At 47 and 20 years into marriage, that's our reality. It's a daily choice that's sometimes ridiculously easy and sometimes hard. But over time you become The One together. It's like stones that rub on contact: you smooth each other off. It's a process, a sort of beautiful attrition. Fundamentally there has to be some sort of connection: attraction (physical, emotional, intellectual); some core level of compatibility (similar outlooks on life, finances, children, values); a commitment; and a willingness to make it work. And if you do work at it, you will shape each other into something you could never be on your own. So that you can both become One, together." Phil
Ben Selway
"For me it's about realising that an empty part of you has become whole. We knew each other for ten days when we decided each of us were The Ones. 28 years later, we're still married." Helen
"You know you've found The One when you feel like you've found 'home'." Kiki
"If you've found The One, you simply can't imagine your life without them." Carly
"Everything falls into place when you've found The One - and you're just you!" Jo
Ben Selway
words Christine Jensen
Copyright Wed magazine 2015
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