'Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know.'
Snow White
Fed with fairytales from a young age, it's no wonder that when it comes to relationship food for thought, love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.
From white knights and Petrarchan love sonnets to a series of Cinderella-style stories, our childhood concepts of love contain a culturally constructed set of ideas that may lead us to so blindly believe in happily ever afters that - if they are not played out exactly as they are in fables or films - may deliver a crushing blow not only to our sense of self-esteem, but also marriage.
It's a frightening fact that many marrieds - either before, during or after the matrimonial moment itself - are accosted by a barrage of doubt, despair or disillusion that can reap havoc on their relationship.
A recent study by UCLA reveals that 'pre-wedding uncertainty, especially among women, predicts higher divorce rates and less marital satisfaction years later' (sciencedaily.com). 'Newly-wed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts.' So what's up with these women?
Many elements in our nature and nurture determine our attitude and experience of relationships. Famously, the parental model is said to hold great gravitas when it comes to children mimicking their closest relatives' marriage and many psychologists agree that the pattern you witness can often predict that which you eventually experience, since behaviour is largely a learned response to our environment and the people that populate it.
In addition, if our inherited notion of love either contradicts or complies with this perceived paradigm, then even before the question-popping phase, many women's associations of love and marriage may already be skewed somewhere between reality, fantasy and total uncertainty.
Whether your parents' marriage was perfection or you were embroiled in an acrimonious divorce, whether you treasured tales of princes and princesses or preferred playing with your brother's action figures - one thing remains certain: you have concocted a certain picture of marriage that, whatever it may be, requires serious thought prior to the big plunge.
The emerging state of mind can be confusing and create the type of questioning that can rile you and your spouse throughout any period of your relationship. If you do not realise or address any woes that may reside, it could potentially - as the statistics show - be at your peril.
Venus Vs Mars
Top prize for stating the obvious, but men and women are different. Scientific studies aside, we all know that (in broadly speaking terms) women can be more prone to romantic escapism and frothy fairytale flights of fancy than their male counterparts. That is not to revert to the Victorian mentality that links women with madness (shush, all you men in the room), but to acknowledge a fundamental difference in genetics and societal 'norms' that make us up.
Of course, he may well be nurturing his own 1950s fantasy about obedient housewives who keep a spotlessly clean, tight ship and can outcook Delia in the kitchen while constantly performing to perfection in the boudoir - that age-old impossible mother/mistress dichotomy that fills many a modern woman with dread.
So, how to dispel dissatisfaction and deconstruct the fairytale factor in order to reach relationship enlightenment and make a successful marriage?
It's a formula that many self-help guides, psychotherapists and relationship counsellors continue to meditate, but there are some things that can be done to ensure that Cinderella's stamp does not leave a bitter-tasting legacy when it comes to marriage and its many great expectations.
Think
In a world where everyone is somehow meant to have everything, meaning is so often lost amongst our modern obsession with 'having it all'. This includes your relationship.
Doubts are a completely normal phenomenon and it does not automatically follow that that your marriage will be synonymous with struggle. However, if past fears, regrets or histories aren't at least partially examined and reconciled, then they run the risk of rearing their head rather unexpectedly, which can rapidly spiral into a downward direction.
Have an honest discussion with yourself - no one knows you better. How do you feel about love, marriage and your relationship? Why might you feel this way? If you have experienced particularly difficult or traumatic times, consider seeing a counsellor, which can have a brilliantly cathartic and revealing effect, serving as a guide to self-discovery as you accept, embrace and cast out any lingering negativity.
So your mum always focused on your misgivings and your resulting tendency to over-criticise your fiance places unnecessary pressure on your relationship? Great. Tell him about your revelation, modify your behaviour accordingly and move on in the great dawning of your self-knowledge.
Talk
Share your hopes and fears and discuss all the little and big things before, during and after you marry. By keeping the channels of communication continually open - however awkward or painful they may be - you're maintaining your marriage. Simple as that.
You may well enter matrimony with the same childhood dreams and fantasies, but as long as you realise your own reality, then it won't have a harmful effect.
Discuss your partner's experiences and expectations and how they correspond to yours. Are they a) compatible and b) accomplishable?
Be realistic about what you both expect to achieve from your marriage and agree to prioritise on particular goals together. If he wants a family but you want the fairytale, how can you meet in the middle for mutual fulfillment?
There's nothing wrong with idealisms if it helps you strive for something better and keeps your imagination alive, which some say is a top prerequisite for a successful marriage. But if your man - and he is a mere mortal - can't fulfill your every fantasy, then he's failed you - this is a heavy burden for any husband and an earth-shattering journey back down to earth for a previously pedestalled wife, whether you placed yourself up there or not.
Trust
Have faith in your couple collectivity and your unified ability to please, challenge, surprise, nurture...whatever you require and desire from each other.
You should by now possess an inkling of how you and your partner feel about each other and what your marital mindsets are, be it a 50-50 equilibrium or breadwinner-housewife/husband dynamic - whatever works for you. And as long as you are indeed, aware - then shock realisations later down the matrimonial road won't cause adverse hold-ups in your relationship.
You've proposed or agreed to marriage because you want to spend your life with your partner in a public and legal declaration of your love and commitment. Trust the fact that this promise and your connection will be enough to cement your relationship and ensure your growth and happiness both as individuals and as a married couple.
Watch as many romantic films as you like and indulge in some raunchy literature but remember the delineations between reality and fantasy. Nothing is picture-perfect and, more often than not, it's the flaws that make you stick together rather than separate, however annoying his or her habits may be.
Besides, I know first-hand that riding on the back of any animal into the sunset can seriously hurt your spine, so forget gallantry and celebrate a guy who'll cook your favourite curry or watch endless TV soaps just for you, and design your very own ever afters...
words Hannah May
illustrations Maria Taylor Illustration www.mariataylorillustration.co.uk
Copyright WED Magazine 2013
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