Some people coast smoothly and serenely towards their wedding day: no fuss, no fraught family phone calls, no fall-outs over font size, no rash overspending, no delightfully disorganised bridesmaids ... just serene, balanced, emotionally peaceful bliss.
Never actually met these brides? Us neither. But statistically speaking, they're out there somewhere.
However, for the majority of us, no matter how laid-back we think we are, working with our soon-to-be life partner to gather our fantastic friends, unique family members, a clutch of colleagues and great aunt Bessie in one place for several days creates just a tiny bit of pressure. Add to that the hope of creating a celebration that will give everyone 'the best day ever' and 'memories to last a lifetime', and it can - on our more delicate days - take us to our emotional edge, especially as a couple.
So, how can we navigate the emotional journey and emerge on our 'perfect day' peacefully, and blissfully, married? To get to the bottom of the conflicts and how to best navigate them, we spoke to relationship expert and psychologist, Sophie Slade, who's worked with couples for decades around the world, helping to enable them to connect and communicate with each other, and trained others to do the same. Why, in her wisdom, does wedding planning get so tricky emotionally?
"When we commit to a person there is frequently an unconscious shift from 'This is the person I hope will meet all my unmet needs and love me the way I have always wanted to be loved' to 'This is the person who has to meet all my unmet needs and has to love me the way I have always wanted because now I am committed and there will be no other'," says Sophie. "This means that any time there is a minor rupture in the connection (e.g. over the guest list or the budget) it becomes interpreted as a lifetime sentence to not getting my needs met or not being loved the way I want, which in turn can trigger anxiety or panic."
"At this point," explains Sophie, "many couples start to doubt their choice of partner or become confused because the love they have for each other no longer feels so idyllic and carefree. But this is normal! At this point, love feels fundamentally like a choice, which, as all parents know, is what mature love is."
"Issues will come up around how much the other is there for you - too little or too much, how much space you feel you have - again too little or too much, who takes charge and controls everything or who never takes responsibility for stuff and so on. The specifics may focus around wedding plans or family but the underlying dynamics and pain are never really addressed in the arguments. Anxiety triggers defensiveness and our protective strategies, usually some form of criticism or withdrawal. This then becomes what the couple argues about. At this point, good communication skills are really, really useful!" says Sophie.
So, from her experience of working with couples, can Sophie share some helpful ways of addressing conflict or differences of opinion? "Always ask the partner if they are available to talk about the issue, and make yourself available at a time that suits you both, no matter how much you dread doing so. This shows respect and goodwill," she explains. "Learning to take turns to talk and listen, listening to the other without interrupting, being curious about how your partner sees the situation and then sharing your own perspective without ever trying to make your partner wrong or bad (or vice versa) can help couples work through the issues which inevitably come up during this time."
"When it's your turn to talk, talk about yourself, your perspective, your feelings, your reactions, your ideas and your solutions, rather than talking about your partner (especially in an accusatory way)," she continues. "Good communication skills where you talk about your own stuff, and listen to the other person, are the fundamental building blocks of a good relationship and help couples work through whatever challenges present themselves on the journey through life and into marriage," says Sophie.
Along with many other professionals who offer support, Sophie is part of a network of relationship experts who help enrich the connection of the couples they see. You can find out more about her work and workshops at www.gettingtheloveyouwant.co.uk.
Tim Simpson
EIGHT TIPS TO AVOID A PRE-MARRIAGE MELTDOWN
1. Breathe!
2. Take time out. Count to ten, excuse yourself for five minutes, or get ahead of the game and plan a morning out in the fresh air and by the sea if you can.
3. Find a mirror. Ask yourself, "what's this all about?" It's probably not that the napkins are the wrong shade of white. What are you sad/ anxious/ frustrated/ scared about?
4. Get some perspective. Will this matter next year? It might, it might not.
5. Name your options... all of them! There's something extremely liberating about listing all the possible choices we have, even if we never intend to choose them.
6. Create space to listen to each other. Then listen.
7. Try again. We never lose: we win, or we learn. The three most powerful words in the human language are not 'I love you', they are: sorry, thanks and please.
8. Make a grateful jar. Every so often, write down something you're grateful for related to your relationship and your plans. Stick it in the jar. When stuff gets tricky, empty the jar and remind yourselves of your blessings.
ADVICE FROM AN ENGAGED WEDDING PLANNER
Jenny Phipps of Jenny Wren Weddings and Events (jennywrenweddingsandevents.co.uk) has been planning beautiful, personal weddings for years. However, recently Jenny herself got engaged, so now it's her turn to be the bride-to-be. We asked her about her journey towards the end of the aisle.
"It's been great!" says Jenny. "I know such an abundance of wonderful and talented suppliers in Cornwall and have worked on such an array of weddings that it's a lot easier planning my own as I've had ideas in the back of my mind for a while concerning how I'd do things."
"I would say," she continues, "that the main difference is the emotional factors that come into planning a wedding which, although I have seen via my clients' weddings, I have never experienced myself before. I've always been an impartial person in the middle but now with my own wedding to plan, I'm experiencing the politics and emotions first-hand!"
Q. What are the most common pre-wedding arguments you've noticed as a professional?
A. "Money, guest list strife, family opinions and involvement in the planning."
Q. What particular advice do you give your couples about their own emotional health in the run up to their weddings?
A. "Don't tire yourselves out the week before the wedding with all those little jobs to do. Picking up the table decorations, folding the place cards or writing the photographer's shot list is something someone else can do. If you don't have a planner, then get help from your friends and family. The last thing you want is to be shattered on your big day."
"And take time out of wedding planning and make time for just the two of you, where no wedding talk is allowed. It can become so all-consuming, you need to ensure it's not all you ever talk about. An activity like pre-wedding yoga and meditation sessions for brides and grooms can relax you both before the big day."
"All conflict can be traced back to someone's feelings getting hurt, don't you think?" Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies
"Sometimes the simplest solution out of conflict is becoming someone's friend." Shannon L. Alder
"Peace is not an easy prospect, it requires greater bravery than does conflict." Ozzie Zehner, Green Illusions
"It is not what we feel that gets us into trouble. It is how we express how we feel that causes conflict." DeBorrah K. Ogans, Holy Matrimony: Now That We're Married
"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences." Dave Meurer
"I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you're stupid. I think you're a loser. I think you're wonderful. I want to be with you. I don't want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you... I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?" Shannon L. Alder
words Christine Jensen
Copyright Wed magazine 2016
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