Wedding Planning - The Groom's Perspective

Christopher Wasey offers a glimpse inside your groom's head - and how to handle those classic planning pitfalls...

A wedding day is the ultimate celebration of love shared. From the moment you say "I do", so begins a journey of absolute unity, bound together, in better and worse, for the rest of your life.

Yet, for all the magic of that moment, it doesn't just magically happen, does it?  The magazine before you stands testament to all the hidden facets of a modern wedding: a beautiful day may look effortless, but the reality is quite different.



The saying goes, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - and this is rarely clearer than when these planets are preparing to fall into alignment forever.

Our half of the species takes an altogether more 'strategic' view of the process. To paraphrase the film 'Father of the Bride', "Boy and girl meet; they fall in love; he buys a ring; she buys a dress; they say I do. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition."  

For all our biological differences, culture is the true cause of this wedding misalignment. Speaking for my gender, let me make some sweeping statements:

1) Not once have we ever helped a friend plan a wedding.  
2) As children, not once did we ever imagine what our perfect wedding day might be like.  

The majority of male wedding education comes from romantic comedies (in which everything goes wrong), or having once performed usher duties (in which we stood by a doorway).   

It's been nearly two years since I tied the knot, and it would be fair to say that 2011 was a crash course for me. At the time, I would have said that the 'differences of opinion' my wife and I encountered were individual to us, that our journey was 100% unique. Having spent the last 24 months witnessing numerous friends go through the same process, I can say with some quiet satisfaction - they weren't.

While we may share the love and desire to come together in matrimony, when it comes to wedding planning, there are a number of things he sees quite differently...

THE STAG DO
Not to sound cliched, but it is my God-given right to have an epic stag party.  No, I'm not a selfish pig. No, I'm not looking for some 'American Pie' meets 'The Hangover' 'get on the beers, son' debauchery - I'm just after a bit of fairness.

We both know that the wedding itself isn't 'our day', so much as 'your day, in which I play a strong supporting role' and, while nothing makes me happier than to give you this, surely I deserve an experience to balance the scales?

I want to be with you for the rest of my life (I proposed, didn't I?), but before that lifetime begins, I deserve a blowout with my friends. It may be abroad; it may even cost a bit of money - but, in the context of our eternal souls, what are my three days in Amsterdam?

RSVP-ING
In the early stages, he will completely fail to understand the significance of prompt RSVPs. The invitations themselves were alien enough (surely messages on Facebook would have been sufficient?), but to expect people to reply six months before the wedding day seems a bit excessive. People will get round to it, right? They've not said they're not coming...

Faced with this naivety, I take the rare step of advocating a good old-fashioned nagging. Unless you tell us (again and again) that without the RSVPs we can't plan the tables, confirm catering costs, or (perhaps most importantly) send out any 'phase two' invites without letting-on that these recipients didn't make the first cut.

YOUR DRESS
You never believe me when I say it, but you really are beautiful. Whether it's first thing in the morning, or wearing my baggy T-shirt as we snuggle up to watch television - you are truly stunning. Please keep this in mind when going to buy your wedding dress.  

My heart understands that getting the dress is a huge part of the day for you, but, if it's a difference of £1000 for a dress that's 'amazing' rather than a dress that's 'perfect', the heart keeps quiet and leaves financial strategy to the head.

Remember, you'll be just as breathtaking in the 'amazing' dress, but it might also stop the other suppliers from camping outside our house to get their deposits.

WEDDING FAVOURS
To any groom this will seem a wholly backwards notion. Aside from the rather unfair ratio (two of us, about 100 of you) and that somehow we've been left to buy everyone dinner, there's also the quite significant point that we're the ones getting married!  

To our mind, only the happy couple are deserving of presents. As such, you'll never convince us this process is a good idea, so the trick is to appeal to our pragmatic side. Like it or not, we have to buy favours, so try to make them serve a dual purpose. Ribbons, flowers and trinkets can double as detailed decoration, while games and sweets make good entertainment for kids after the wedding breakfast.

GIFT LISTS
This is more like it!  Sadly, this excitement will slowly evaporate as he learns the true problem with gift lists: unless our guests club together to form some sort of sofa-buying cabal, we can't include anything we actually need.

Creating a list that includes affordable (£20-50) items is surprisingly difficult.  As men, we also fail to understand why DVD box sets and flash drives are not appropriate additions - they will be part of the household, after all - and we're more likely to use them than the £60 set of serving spoons.   

It's a popular compromise, but if you don't mind asking for money, the 'please donate to our honeymoon fund' should work for both parties, and could mean an upgrade to the coveted 'all-inclusive' wristband.

INVITES AND SEATING PLANS
He will have no idea weddings also involve carefully mediated politics.

Who can we get away with just inviting to the reception? Do we invite work colleagues? If we ask this person, do we have to invite these two as well?  That couple recently separated, are they more or less likely to cause a scene if we give them plus-ones?  

Family is no easier. How many of them do we actually like? Which ones do we ask just to keep our parents happy? Do we invite their kids? Why do your relations outnumber mine three to one?

RSVPs, crucial though they are, offer only temporary relief. Intricately arranged seating plans can be just as fractious: hours spent bunching people together based on age or shared friendships can be easily scuppered when someone has the discourtesy to 'be ill' or 'need to work'.

There isn't a tip for this one, just be aware that this is one of the rare issues about which you'll find we can be quite intransigent. Be prepared to start trading guests and seating positions like you're playing a very personal game of Top Trumps.

HIS SPEECH
Standing up and saying "I do" is easy (the nerves about that decision were exhausted months ago). Yes, there are some butterflies, but the real anxiety is reserved for our personal main event.
 
Your sole performance consists of walking down an aisle without tripping over, judged only for your level of radiance and all finished up before the canapes. 

His part, coming as it does near the end of the day, poses some stressful questions: stay sober and in complete control, or drink to calm the nerves?  Whatever the decision, there will come a time when he must stand up, alone, and prove himself not only sweet, loving and earnest, but also a capable amateur comedian. 

We don't expect you to stand up and act as our MC (although it would be a nice gesture), but a reassuring leg squeeze while we nervously play with our food wouldn't go amiss.

WEDDING VIDEOS
As a wedding videographer, this one is an issue close to my heart. Having talked through it not only with my own wife, but also with countless other couples as well, I'd like to think I have a special insight here. For the most part, it usually works like this: she wants a wedding video and he...well, he's a little more dubious. 

She wants something that will capture all the little moments of the day and to have a record of the ceremony to show the grandchildren. He's generally concerned about being filmed during the speech or having his drunken dancing forever captured in film.

In terms of middle ground, there are some steps to take. Counter his concerns by offering flexibility. If speech nerves are his problem, choose a package that finishes just before the wedding breakfast; if it's drunken fun-time, the cameras can leave after the first dance. 

If he remains unconvinced (and all else fails) speak to his financial side - if you're going to spend all this money on a single day, isn't it worth a little more to have everything immortalised forever, to watch together when old and frail?

To be honest though, my recommendation is to simply meet any videographer you like the look of; getting to know each other over a coffee reduces the formality and calms 99% of worrying grooms. 

TAKING HIS NAME
This was easily the biggest 'discussion point' in the run-up to my own wedding. My fiancee argued that the tradition of taking the man's name was outdated for our modern society. She was proud of her family name; proud of where she came from, and suggested that our success as lifelong partners wouldn't be diminished by keeping the name she was born with.

Along with her scepticism, add the real world costs of updating her driver's licence, passport and various professional registrations, not to mention the fact that she'd spend the rest of her life having to spell 'Wasey' for people down the phone.

I countered that everything about weddings was steeped in antiquated tradition - she couldn't just pick and choose which ones to keep! I couldn't fully explain my dismay at the decision. I knew it wasn't rational, but it felt almost like a public rebuke at being completely committed to our marriage.

After much negotiation, a three-point compromise was struck:
 
1.    When documents were naturally up for renewal, my name (as part of a double barrel) would find a place.
2.    The kids would have my name.
3.    And for the world to see, with immediate effect, she would change her name after all - but only on Facebook.
 

words Christopher Wasey


Copyright Wed magazine 2013