No idea where to start on who does what? Wed gives the low down on the stars of the show and the supporting cast...




THE LADIES 

The Bride 
There’s a reason why many modern brides have developed a breed of monstrosity most readily associated with the likes of Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker.

It’s because usually without any prior experience at event management, they have to practically single-handedly organise the biggest and most significant – not to mention most stressful – one of their lives.

In the past, roles tended to be clearly defined and divvied up with the mother-of-the-bride taking the brunt of the responsibility. Nowadays, it’s the bride and groom that make most of the decisions and women are usually the ones to assume the lead role, whether by choice or out of necessity. However, we fully endorse the active involvement of the groom in the planning process – more of that later.

Everything – and there’s an extensive list – becomes the bride’s consideration, so the best advice is to deliberate, delegate and dish out duties to those you deem most appropriate for the job. Check each individual is happy with their role, explain exactly what you require from them and keep tabs on their progress which – however ‘keen’ you are/slack they are – 50 messages a day still constitutes harassment. Usually a quick friendly phone call once a fortnight or so should suffice.

Having said that, there are a tally of duties expected of you throughout the process and day, including deciding the date, ceremony type/theme with groom, choosing your bridesmaids and their outfits, selecting suppliers, buying gifts for bridesmaids, the groom and flowers for both mothers, throwing your bouquet (optional), and writing thank you cards to guests. That’s the basics. If you have or want to do it all, then read on, take a look at the roles of everyone else and add them to your burgeoning list.


photo Lucy Shergold

The Bridesmaids
Once selected (which can present its own special kind of strife), the bridesmaid’s duty is generally to assist the bride with anything she needs, most notably embarking on a seemingly endless stream of shopping trips for dresses and outfits, dress fittings and other predominantly-stylistic concerns.

The hen party is attended by and part organised by the bridesmaids who should liaise with the chief bridesmaid and always place the taste and preferences of the bride above their own. In short, do you think that L-plates, phallic accessories and baby-oiled strippers are really what she wants?

On the day itself, bridesmaids should look their best according to the bride’s direction and adopt the service-above-self philosophy. If clashes occur, try a calm approach to subtly state your case but remember the bottom line: however much it riles: what bride wants, bride gets. Your day has/shall come…

Supernanny or not, younger bridesmaids and page boys are part of your responsibility so keeping them in check and walking down the aisle with your appointed partner – however snot faced or unruly they may be – is part of the package.


photo Emma Solley

The Mother of the Bride and Groom
Traditionally, the mother of bride would be the hostess, but today she holds more of a supportive role with planning and preparation. Particular duties often accorded to the mother of the bride can include finalising the guest list, monitoring responses, assisting with stationery requirements such as invitations, place cards, order of service and menus, organising transport, the photographer, reception venue, seating plan and flowers. However, most of that sounds like an unnecessary interruption to your retirement, especially if everything is being digitalised – in which case, you haven’t the foggiest.

Nowadays the main requisite is to talk with your daughter, offer what you can and wish with regards to financial support and practical assistance and gracefully accept the roles she tenders. If you think she is being severely misguided, hold a discussion, but remember – however wise or right you may think you are – it is her day. Remind yourself that any errors she makes will be her own, and concentrate on finding the most glamorous hat possible.

On the day, certain traditions such as line-ups and the signing of the register fall into your domain – but don’t assume anything. Simply relax, resist the urge to interfere and enjoy your part in the day, whatever it may be.

The great thing is that today motherly figures can do just about anything. They can attend the hen party, make a speech and throw a surprise bachelor party for their son. Most duties can be shared between both mothers and sets of parents so that cost is shared and decisions jointly made – and hence, the delicate balance of the world remains.


photo Emma Solley

The Maid/Matron of Honour or the Chief Bridesmaid
Some modern day brides forfeit the chief bridesmaid position, as elevating one gal pal above the others is either impossible or not worth the sour faces that could potentially ensue.

However, if you are selected as her number one, firstly – extol yourself the great satisfaction that you are the best. Because as soon as you accept, there’s no going back…

As her closest confidante, you may be privy to all the juicy gossip and developments, but you will also be in the centre of any disagreements, malcontent and outbursts. Not only will you be shopping for every dress in the bridal party, you will also be managing the hen and/or engagement party, bridesmaids/flower girls and every minor whim of the bride herself.

It’s your job to make a toast at the wedding rehearsal, help the bride get ready on the day and look after and carry the bride’s necessities such as tissues and make-up. As timekeeper, you must keep everything and everyone to schedule – so punctuality is a key concern. Assemble everyone for the bride’s entrance, adjust her veil and dress and carry the train if required, take her bouquet once she has joined the groom and witness the signing of the register if asked.            

File everyone out during the recessional, join the best man for the first dance mid way through the song and after the wedding you are responsible for the bridal outfit – returning it to the shop or bride’s home along with assisting with any other post-wedding clear-up activities.

Oh, and you’re also the one expected to accompany the bride to the toilet for the entire day and evening to lift the dress clear of all her ‘activities’. Matronly, indeed…


photo Emma Solley

THE MEN
The grooms’ gurus from Staggered (iamstaggered.com) deliver the dos and don’ts for the men of the moment.

THE GROOM
The wedding should be the best party the bride and groom ever throw that celebrates them and their relationship. Despite what the occasional mother-in-law might say – that means it’s essential that the groom is involved every bit as much as the bride.

Let’s be frank: the more you help out with the wedding planning not only will your wife-to-be think you are great, but, more importantly, the more control you can have over the day itself. This includes how much it costs and what actually happens.

The groom is central to many parts of the wedding. The proposal ball is mostly in your court (unless you’re really under the thumb), but after that you need to brush up on your plans for a stag do to remember. Then you need to look good. Finally, did you know that 31% of grooms are solely responsible for booking the honeymoon? If you are, you’d better start researching where to take her.


photo Lucy Shergold

THE USHER
The usher operates in a role that hovers near the importance of the best man. Of course, this is naturally an honour, but a certain expense accompanies this role that must be acknowledged before the groomsman accepts the position, such as the stag do which he is expected to play an active part in.

You’ll be guiding guests to their seats, cushioning the bottoms of the young and the elderly, offering directions to the church, checking everyone is OK at the reception, dealing with any wayward relatives acting inappropriately, and so on.

Other responsibilities include getting the groom to the church on time, dishing out advice and dealing with last minute jitters, looking good and making sure the groom looks good, ordering and picking up the suits for himself and the rest of the groomsmen, decorating the wedding car (check with the driver first before smearing it with shaving cream) and assisting in shifting the pile of wedding gifts at the end of the day.

Offer a pity dance with the single female attendants at the reception disco, act as a steward at the ceremony – welcoming people, helping them to park, giving them the order of service and helping people to their seats.

The advantages are, of course, the responsibility being an honour. And the hard work is usually paid off in a gift on the groom and bride’s part. Also, if you’re in luck, that aforementioned pity dance will be less than hard work as you’re introduced to the bridesmaids on an individual basis…


photo Sarah Lauren

THE BEST MAN
There’s no doubting that being asked to be a best man is a huge honour, but let’s not kid ourselves, he (or she) has one of the hardest roles to play at the wedding. You think we’re kidding? You’ve got to organise the most memorable weekend of your best mate’s life. You’ve got to write and deliver a speech that hilariously destroys him but somehow magically doesn’t upset anyone. And all that comes before we even mention the ritual pranks, the errands and the bridesmaids…

It’s the groom’s momentous goodbye to bachelorhood and it’s your responsibility. The first step is working out how to plan and execute the ultimate stag do. You might fancy sticking with the stag do classics like paintball, a day at the horses, go-karting or a trip to the football or go for a completely different type of stag do.

Though the best man speech is regarded as the funny one, that doesn’t mean you need to reach for the gags (and make sure you avoid the most over-used wedding speech jokes). The greatest best man speeches are a personal tribute to the groom (and also to the bride if you know her well enough), requiring preparation in advance.

As best man you’ll need to be there as an emotional support for the groom. You’re working hard but he’s under a hell of a lot of pressure, so try not to fake sleep when he’s off-loading about the wedding. On the big day all the hard work pays off and you get to enjoy yourself.


photo Rebecca Roundhill

THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE
Despite what the Steve Martin (or Spencer Tracy if we’re really going back) film ‘Father of the Bride’ would have us believe, being the father of the bride is not all dealing with foreign-sounding wedding planners and barely comedic misunderstandings. The father of the bride has one of the most emotional roles to play in the wedding party – you’ve got tears and tantrums coming up, and that’s just from the groom on the stag do. Then you have to deal with walking your daughter down the aisle and the dreaded speech.

If you’re not paying for the bash, don’t think you can, or should, leave the wedding planning to the women. Even if you just help doing research for things like the food and drink, the photography, the ceremony or the entertainment it will be a massive help and ultimately that’s what being a dad is all about isn’t it?

All eyes will be on you as the proud father of the bride and that means that you will want to look your best. Our advice is that you should get involved early on in the discussions about what the groom is wearing, because the chances are you’ll end up wearing the same.

Your speech shouldn’t just thank people for coming. You’ve got this golden chance to tell an assembled collection of friends, relatives and your loved ones exactly how you feel – make the most of it and don’t worry if it gets emotional – that’s what being the father of the bride is all about.

Staggered www.iamstaggered.com is the ultimate wedding planning website for men. Check it out for top tips on everything from suits to speeches.

Words Hannah May and Andrew Shanahan

Copyright WED Magazine 2011