As everyone is aware, it takes two to tango and equally as many parties to get hitched. Though traditions are altering and modern man has much more of a hand in the planning process than ever before (with the odd few even being dubbed as Groomzillas), fact is - he's still generally something of an underdog when it comes to weddings.

Brides-to-be: read on to discover exactly what he's thinking as you hark on about hen dos, hairstyles and headdresses. And grooms, as you get to grips with your flowers, fairs and favours - whether you're happily relinquishing the reins, diving into the decor head first or battling for control with your bride, find some solace with our recently wed grooms who have been there, and braved that.

So let's take a moment and make it all about him as we delve into the muddled, metro and emasculated mind of modern men on marriage...

"For me, the first issue was that 'weddings' were completely alien to me," says Chris. "Short of watching a few episodes of 'Don't Tell the Bride', I had no idea about the intricacies involved with planning. Although she was never a girl that had a wedding scrapbook, it was surprising how quickly she seemed to formulate very strong opinions on almost everything - and how quickly I discovered that most of mine were wrong!"

It's true, chaps: your bride may have been churning this over in her head for years, nay - decades, which is a singularly scary thought even before the full crazy is out of the bag. 

You may have briefly pondered the day prior to the engagement, or not until deliberating the date - either way, chances are, her bridal brain will be substantially more amped up than yours, so at least trying to pretend to keep up is crucial. As she starts feverishly making decisions about every detail while you're still surprised to call her your fiancee, there emerges grooms' enemy number one: control.

"I had my moments when I thought it was all getting a bit out of control, with so many tiny details and touches that we were adding to the big day, but I just said yes and tried not to stress about it. Typical bloke behaviour!" says Rob.

"I think, like many grooms, I wasn't too concerned about getting overly involved, largely because I know my mind doesn't work that way and I'm not very creative," confesses Grant. "There were times she would suggest something I genuinely thought was madness, but she knew what she was doing and so I was very happy to just sit back, relax and do as I was told!"

Complicity may be a vital component of a smooth planning process, but if you gents don't speak up, a downward spiral involving blown budgets, awful attire and a dodgy disco may await.

Her sense of perspective may become skewed with the pressure and your lack of input or interest - even if you're au fait with her dominating the decisions. Make an effort to be involved and encourage her to defer certain tasks to you. 

As Chris discovered, compromise is key. "In most cases, in an act of mutual consent, the control issue was resolved by just leaving me out of it," he says. "I had tried feigning an interest, but she saw through the ruse! So we agreed: I wouldn't try to offer suggestions on buttonholes or chair covers, but would instead accept a number of specific tasks suited to my skill set (or gender): choose a videographer, buy a suit and arrange a wedding day surprise."

The easiest route is to divide the workload according to what suits you both individually and as a couple - and constantly consult each other on personal wishes and decisions made. That way, even if he simply signs off on the stationery and signage while being assigned the suits and stags - there's a mutualism in action that makes it a collaborative effort, even if it's not an exactly equal share.

"Budget was probably my biggest concern," admits Chris. "There's so much you just don't account for, it's so easy to start going over budget. Her argument was that this was something we were only ever going to do once, so why not do it exactly how we wanted?"  

"I was on board, in principle, but at the same time felt a pang of pragmatism every time we sat down and started writing total costs - I could have bought a new car and promised to act as her chauffeur for the next five years instead."

Money is one of the most contentious subjects between couples when it comes to weddings. But if she's given total carte blanche while he turns a blind eye, it's tricky for him to later complain. Again, if you both monitor what worries you the most, there's less risk for potential ruin.

"We had just over two years of engagement and there was the odd cross word in that time, usually where money was concerned', says Rob. "I would be scrutinising over every penny spent on the wedding and had it all mapped out in terms of costs, deposits and balances. About six months before the wedding, we put everything down on a spreadsheet and I kept a track of it almost every week."

Budgeting is a definite must when it comes to weddings - and avoiding arguments; however, as with every other element, a degree of flexibility is required.

"The budget changed a lot from our early days of wedding planning," continues Rob. "We started out on quite a small-scale and wanted to keep costs to a minimum, but things soon started adding up and I think our budget more than doubled as time went on."

"As the wedding drew nearer, I found myself loosening up and quite happy to pay for all the little extras that would prove to make the day so special. You just have to accept that that is going to be the case and there's not a lot you can do about it."

Every man has his personal wedding hang-ups. Throw them on the table and deal with them together - however common or obscure - for stress-free planning and swift damage limitation. Our grooms divulge their own personal problems...

"My best man was a concern," says Chris. "I had asked my brother but after five months of doing literally nothing I asked my two closest friends to fill the void. My mum was a bit upset, but they were great as the day got closer; the pair of them must have gone suit shopping about six times, and even though they were still working on their speech on the wedding day itself, their character assassination was merciful!"

Meanwhile, it was wardrobe woes for Grant. "The only time we had any real stress was around what I would wear. I was also responsible for sorting the groomsmen's outfits. As we weren't going to hire the suits, I wasn't under pressure to get this 'booked in' and time sort of flew by. It got to the point where by the middle of December (bearing in mind our wedding was New Year's Eve), I still hadn't gotten it sorted and I was on the receiving end of a very angry tongue lashing by my bride. Needless to say, I got it sorted pretty quickly."

And an age-old anxiety accosted Rob. "My biggest worry was quite a traditional one - whether my fiance would make it down the aisle or leave me standing there like a melon! I had the typical concerns that I might be 'jilted at the altar' but I'm happy to say it all went well!"

After successfully not being stood up at the altar, Rob is replete with advice for other grooms who may be in the midst of their own wedding planning vortex...

 

"We both took time off in the week leading up to the wedding and that made a huge difference. We didn't have a single cross word that week! I would definitely recommend any prospective brides and grooms to take some time out before, during and after the wedding. And make lists - I found it so much easier to make a to-do list for each day and take things one step at a time."

 

"Make sure you have an awesome stag do!" he continues. "Mine was epic and a real release from the wedding preparations. I have a lot of friends and family to thank for that. Having a great support network is probably the biggest help you could have."

He adds: "You have to remember what the big day is all about - two people committing to each other for the rest of their lives. It's all about the love."

Right.

 

words Hannah May

Copyright WED magazine 2013