Ross Talling
'Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.' Michael Leunig
Whatever you may have encountered or think about love, one thing remains true: it has no rules. Bound by belief - and arguably by marriage - love may indeed conquer all for some but, after years of love and marriage, it's easy to see how the horse and carriage may begin to buckle.
Sustaining a successful marriage isn't always easy. And, as you embark upon this next phase of your relationship, it's important to recognise that marriage requires work, dedication and communication in order to survive.
How this happens is entirely down to you as individuals and a couple. We've asked some marrieds to reveal their own mantras on how to move from marital miss to marital bliss.
Ethan Elliot
'Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.' Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Be individual but move forward together in the same direction," affirms Elle, who has been married for five years. "My husband and I are not joined at the hip. We like to spend time together and have plans that include each other but also we have our own lives. It really works for us to be independent of each other."
Sharing aspects of your life such as goals and lifestyle means that you hold a strong commonality and compatibility; however, nurturing your differences and idiosyncrasies allows you to remain true to yourselves and to bring something unique and exciting to the relationship.
"I think that way we never really get complacent or sick of the sight of each other - we genuinely enjoy hanging out when we do and have a lot to talk about and catch up on!" says Elle.
Remember that though your spouse may be your 'everything', you also need to have a realistic expectation of what marriage means and will eventually entail. You need to be capable of exercising a certain degree of autonomous control in order to achieve your own needs and desires while facilitating those of your love.
Ethan Elliot
"Don't expect your husband or wife to fulfil your dreams and expectations all the time. After all, they are only human just like you!" adds Gina, who has been married for 44 years.
'It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.' Friedrich Nietzsche
Your relationship will evolve over time, and once the initial lust and excitement settles into sweet familiarity, it's important that what originally united and bonded you - your friendship - is constantly cultivated.
"The best thing about a long marriage? It's like living with your very best friend who is always on your side no matter what," says Gina. "And the worst thing? It's like living with your very best friend who knows you so well that you can't get away with anything. A paradox made in heaven!"
Laura Buffery
Elle agrees: "Being friends is so much nicer than not being friends. Arguments these days rarely last more than 30 minutes as, after we have blown off some steam and said our piece, we try to remember that it's much more fun if we can be friends and get on with our day, so we sometimes sheepishly apologise and any tension quickly blows over."
Like all friendships, compromise and consideration are key components. "It takes work; it's so easy just to take each other for granted," says Chris, who tied the knot three years ago. "We've kept our original anniversary - as well as the wedding date - special occasions to remind us how much we enjoy each other's company, and that we're still each other's best friend."
Keep making an effort! Just because you are married it doesn't mean you can take your partner for granted - make an effort and surprise each other (even if it's buying their favourite packet of sweets) everyone loves a surprise!
Debs Ivelja
'I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.' Rita Rudner
The first thing to acknowledge about arguments is that they're inevitable. Tensions and disagreements are entirely normal and to be expected - it's how you deal with them that either reaps rewards or breeds contempt.
"Even now, we tend to argue about the same things - generally housework!" confesses Chris. "We've got a few different strategies for dealing with it (a checklist on the fridge was quite successful) but it still comes up now and then."
Ben Selway
"Practise give and take," recommends Gina. "Learn to let go and leave your high horse in the stable."
However you respond to rows, the best course of action is to hash it out: calmly and actively listen to each other, digest the points being made and vow to solve issues collaboratively. Moral power plays aren't conducive to resolution.
And remember to forgo fickleness in favour of dismantling the fight. "Let go of 'being right' and 'I told you so'. There's no point bickering over it; who cares anyway if you were right or wrong in the first place? Try and have a joke about it instead of 'I told you so'," says Elle.
Debs Ivelja
'I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.' Lyndon B. Johnson
We've all heard various quips about marriage. Thing is, they can be amusing because they hit a nerve, which - when severely frayed during more troublesome times - makes bailing seem the most attractive option. There will be serious and difficult moments that make you take stock. But whenever possible and appropriate, lend some humour to the moment to quell the stress and strains. It often provides an essential lifeline.
"See the funny side frequently," says Gina. "Those times when you fall about helpless with laughter at something which leaves others mystified does you more good than supplements!"
Elle's personal approach is to search for the humour in order to highlight the ridiculous nature of the situation. "Bad jokes can diffuse an argument. If I can maintain my sense of humour, sometimes my husband making a bad joke and seeing the lighter side of a situation can pull me out of my mood."
Strike a balance between realising that the situation is not the end of the world, but ultimately means something to you. Shift your perspective and clearly explain how you feel, step back to see the funny side and move on in your newfound wisdom.
Alan Law
'A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.' Andre Maurois
In short, spend quality time together and engage with each other. Chris explains: "We both work a lot, so the biggest thing for us has been making proper time together. It's so obvious, but it makes all the difference. Once every couple of weeks we try to go out for the day or make a special effort and go somewhere nice for dinner."
Grand gestures aren't a necessity: it's the small things that delight. Take a walk on the beach, watch your favourite film, schedule some spa time or just a little lie-in. Or do as recently married Gemma and husband Alex do, and enjoy Saturday date nights at home. "If we're not going out, we dress up, cook dinner together and sit down at the table and have a romantic meal," she says. "We have a few glasses of wine and make each other laugh - laughter is very important when keeping the spark alive!" Revel in the 'couple centric' moment - whatever the time, activity or place.
And don't be afraid to mix it up and deviate from your usual routine. "Take some risks, don't plan absolutely everything, and leave a bit of space for spontaneity," says Gina. "Come out of your comfort zone occasionally and don't be too sensible!"
Wise words indeed.
Life Photographic
THE RULES
We asked our Facebook and Twitter followers for their golden rules for a happy marriage. Here are some favourites...
"Never forget to say 'I love you' on a very regular and sometimes random basis." Andrea.
"Take time out to spend quality time together." Nicola
"Keep making each other laugh." Jo
"If you wouldn't say/do that on a first date, don't do it now!" Nicola
"Put your mobile phone down and give each other your undivided attention when you're spending quality time together." Rebecca
"Compliment your partner everyday." Laura
"Never part or go to bed on an argument." Elaine
"Surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, no matter how simple or silly." Kitty
"Never take each other for granted." Katherine
"Make an event of cosy nights in together." Jessica
"Talk to each other - airing problems is the best way to solve them." Gemma
"Be unselfish and put your partner's happiness before your own." Chris
Travers and Brown
Words Hannah May
Copyright Wed magazine 2014
