From weathering the storms to maintaining the magic, married couples share their wedded wisdom...

It’s official. Marriage makes you live longer. A 20-year study by the University of Warwick revealed that married men live an average of three years longer than single men. Why? Well, there could be any number of explanations. Perhaps married couples have a healthier lifestyle than single people. Maybe it’s about having someone there to share times of stress and worry. Or it maybe it’s due to married men getting nagged about issues of weight gain, cholesterol and blood pressure.



Whatever the reason, an accumulation of statistics and studies suggests that we are generally happier, healthier and better parents by being married. Many experts agree that love somehow strengthens and heals the heart and physically makes us stronger, however troublesome the hard times may be. Our immunity, sense of security and confidence are all inextricably linked to the type of bond matrimony provides.

Marriage is not – as millions testify – merely a piece of paper. It is a lifelong commitment, a lifestyle and a union of bodies, minds, souls and dreams. I’m reminded of my grandmother Joyce who was married to my grandfather for 46 years before he passed away 16 years ago and assures me that – despite death – they are still firmly wed. “I love him more now than ever,” she affirms with the greatest conviction and devotion.

Our expectations of marriage, however, can be stratospheric, and that can be problematic during trialsome times when doubts may set in. How do you maintain that strong sense of love and togetherness when times are testing and breaking point may be closer than you had ever imagined?

CHERISH THE GOOD TIMES
“Getting married doesn't, as you expect, suddenly make you older and wiser. You learn by experience and it's how you deal with those experiences that make the difference,” explains Sue.

Her story is fraught with tribulation. Suffering from a severe bout of cholystasis during pregnancy, Sue’s health only deteriorated after she then contracted meningitis that led to a barrage of complications. Left with epilepsy, a head injury and headaches, Sue reveals the emotional and physical strain on her family, “My husband and son both over the years were my carers. I was told I would never work again.”

Though her health issues persist, Sue says the experience had a profound effect on her marriage to Mark, “The one thing that probably had the most impact on our marriage was my change in personality. I went from being quite shy to overtly happy after the health scare.”

They relocated to Cornwall and she has since returned to work, a consequence of the support system from her marriage and family, “Marriage…well – if you can both weather the storms as well as cherish the good times, it’s a match made in heaven!”

BE BEST FRIENDS
“Having my husband walk out after 21 years of marriage, leaving me to pick up the pieces and bring up my three sons, I was not ready to trust men again in a hurry. I was 42-years-old and had not been on my own since I was 19,” confides Annette.

After being encouraged by work colleagues to find a new partner, Annette began internet dating to meet new people. “I met Tim on my fifth date and we both quickly knew that we were destined to be together from then on. That was all nearly eight years ago now and seems like a lifetime away. Today we are happily married, living in Cornwall and running a business.”

Her advice to others in maintaining a winning formula is simple, “Be best friends, trust each other and be understanding as to how your partner is feeling. Encourage each other’s personal hobbies and listen.”

TRUST AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER
Tracey has been married for 28 years, “I love being married and Charles just makes it so easy. We both believe you have to communicate, trust and support each other. Never take anything for granted and listen; plus make an effort and it is the little things that can mean so much.”

It takes time and effort to build trust – and a single mindless word or action to destroy it. Nurture it. Make a conscious effort to maintain an open and honest dialogue with your spouse and keep to your word at all times.



NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED
“I love being married: I have a wonderful, thoughtful husband who makes me feel loved and important in his life and doesn't care who hears him saying so. Being married for me is the security of a lifelong friend, someone I can tell everything to – no matter what it is – and share everything with, good and bad,” says Anita.

“It hasn’t always been like this for me. I was married for 17 years from a very young age to a controlling, unloving, manipulating man, so I have felt both sides.
I now realise that there is someone perfect for everyone, however I don’t think all of us are luckily enough to find them.”

“Marriage is a wonderful thing if you are compatible. It offers a special relationship with your soul mate, but I don’t deny it has to be worked at even for the most happily married: that’s what keeps it happy.”

“Never take each other and what you have for granted. I realise I am madly lucky this time around and I thank my lucky stars every day, and more importantly – I let him know how lucky I am; after all, appreciation, love and being caring should be a two-way street.”

SHARE SPECIAL TIMES TOGETHER
Reciprocity rules. Relationships require a balance of give and take. Sharing everything and being verbal about your feelings and communicating them to each other – whatever they may be – is key to marital success.

After 32 years of marriage, John is still celebrating, “The best thing about being married is living with your best friend”, whilst wife Kath explains that for her, marriage is, “having someone to share the highs and lows of life with.” Quality time is crucial to the success of their marriage. “It is important to share special times together, such as weekend breaks, meals and country walks.” She adds, “Laugh together and cry together.”

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE
Respect your relationship, appreciate your differences and nurture your independence. After all, “That’s who they were attracted to in the first place and makes you what you are,” explains Joyce.

“Try to stay the same. Remember who you are, remember who they are. And then think about ‘us’,” she adds. John agrees, “Support each other’s diverse interests. It’s crucial to retain a sense of independence – it will serve to enrich your union.” Remaining individuals within a committed unit will only fortify your bond and increase its longevity.

KEEP THE ROMANCE ALIVE
Maintaining your personal notion of romance is paramount. That doesn’t mean dramatic displays of sky-written or movie-style love, but “keep the romance alive in any way you can think of!” says Joyce.

Remember what your spouse likes and help them to achieve it, whether it’s cooking their favourite meal or rubbing their neck to ease tension at the end of a hectic week. It’s the little things that count.

Betty – wed for an epic 64 years – sums up with a simple but powerful sentiment, “The best thing about marriage is just being together. Simple as that. I can't imagine life without him.”


TO BE ONE WITH EACH OTHER
What greater thing is there for two human souls
than to feel that they are joined together to strengthen

each other in all labor, to minister to each other in all sorrow,

to share with each other in all gladness,

to be one with each other in the

silent unspoken memories?
George Eliot



RECIPE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1 cup consideration

1 cup courtesy

2 cupfuls flattery carefully concealed

1 gallon faith and trust in each other

2 cupfuls praise
1 small pinch of in-laws

1 reasonable budget, a generous dash of cooperation

3 teaspoon pure extract of "I'm sorry"

1 cup contentment

1 cup each confidence and encouragement

1 large or several small hobbies

1 cup blindness to the other's faults

Flavour with frequent portions of recreation and a dash of happy memories. Stir well and remove any specks of jealousy, temper or criticism. Sweeten well with generous portions of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with cold shoulder.
Anon

words Hannah May

Copyright WED Magazine 2011