Take time out from discussing the band, the booze and the budget to focus on the big stuff. Wed gives the lowdown on the hot topics every couple should talk over as the wedding day beckons...

The only words you need to say are ‘I do’, right? Make a few announcements aloud, ‘repeat after me’ and you’re officially married.

Really?

Remember those times when you first got together and you couldn’t wait to hear those sweet nothings, when you’d chat all night, have passionate debates or spend an entire evening discussing films, music, food… everything? And all because you were desperate to learn a little more about this spellbinding creature that you more-than-liked.

Now that the initial excitement has morphed into the comfort of a couple in love, when was the last time you spoke properly? Today? Last month? Last year? Because, if you haven’t talked before marriage, then you’ve neglected to prepare yourself fully for one of the most binding and significant developments in your lives.

Many couples settle into married life assuming that love will win the day and their compatibility as a couple will see them through tough times. Yet what they may struggle with – beyond knowing all the little things about their love – are the big things.

Just because you harbour some vague knowledge that ‘he wants kids’ doesn’t mean that his idea of how he wants his life to be with you is automatically the same as yours. How many does he want? When does he want them? Who – if anyone – will sacrifice their career to raise them? What kind of parents do you want to be? I guarantee these questions will spark at least some minor debate.

Of course there are many things in life that simply happen – that you must react to and work with. People accidently become pregnant, they lose their jobs, they win the lottery… But if you have an intimate idea about each others’ thoughts on these issues it will help you to make informed, respectful and mutually satisfying decisions that will strengthen rather than break your bond.

In short, now is the time to talk. We’ve enlisted the expertise of one of Relate’s most experienced counsellors, Christine Northam, to explain the kind of pre-marital conversations you should have in order to help build the foundations for a fulfilling and successful marriage.


photo Savvie Photography

COMMUNICATION
Firstly, she advises couples to “carefully consider how well you communicate” because it is “the key to everything.” This doesn’t mean talking amiably about your day or the weather whilst edging round the elephant in the room, but regularly sharing quality and meaningful conversations about life, however difficult they may be.

She explains: “People imagine they communicate well – they are good at talking, but not necessarily listening and understanding.” We all switch off from time to time but, by engaging with each other even over the banal, everyday chitchat, we can learn a lot about our partner and ourselves.

Listening is an active process, not a passive bi-product of conversation. Digest the information, the tone, the body language – the meaning. If you discover that “communication is a problem – think of ideas to try to improve it”.  

Play a round of ‘I never…’ and reveal something new or shocking to each other. Write a letter containing your deepest secrets, fears and aims and read it aloud to kick-start discussions. Be creative; withhold your judgments and listen. Then talk freely with each other. You’ll be amazed at how liberating and powerful these moments together can be.


photo Kirstin Prisk

PREPARATION
Christine recommends a few sessions of pre-marital counselling to all couples before getting married, whether they’re struggling with communication or not. As much as it is about self-expression and understanding, you can discover things that you did not know to be potentially problematic, and pre-empt future conflict.

So what should you be talking about? Whatever you deem necessary to open the channels of communication and establish the thoughts and opinions you both hold on matters important to you as a married couple.

Christine says that the number one concern couples should have is: “what’s important to both of us to have in our relationship?” In short: “How do we want to be?”

The ‘big things’ to talk about largely regard “values – what’s important.” A series of questions about lifestyle, approach and aspirations must be asked and if you discover you’re sitting on polar ends of the spectrum, you have to decide how to migrate toward the middle for a marital meeting of minds. Compromise, then, is also core.

THE BIG ISSUES
Depending on who you are and where your priorities lie – and remember that every couple and individual is different – you may want to think about any number of issues, including children and family, travel, money, religion and culture, home life, careers, health and fitness, ultimate goals and, of course, your thoughts on marriage: what it means to you, what you want from it and how to achieve it – together.

Christine recommends asking a series of relevant questions to yourselves and trying to merge your answers. “How important is it for us to share our financial responsibility? How often do we want to see our families and friends? Where should we live?” These are all huge issues that require close inspection – and resolution.


photo Andrew Hawker

AFTER THE ‘I DOS’
She reminds couples of the change that occurs once they are married. Ask yourselves “how will it be different?” Ultimately, there will be a “change of status where people regard you differently”. How will this impact upon your relationship, if at all?

Beyond external expectations, the chief concern is “you as a couple and what’s important.” Talking to each other is “about communicating your needs” and is something that must occur regularly – not merely a one-off meeting before marriage.

Keep talking. Everyone’s ideas evolve over time and what you thought before getting married may not match your perspective a decade down the line. Any changes of opinion or feeling must be expressed candidly to your spouse to avoid any upsurges of bitterness or discontent. That way, you can develop in tandem with each other, speaking your love and concerns continuously along the way.

For more information, Christine recommends reading, ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’’ by Relate or visit www.relate.org.uk

words Hannah May

Copyright WED Magazine 2011