A wedding is a rare and delightful occasion where everyone in your life is thrown together and love is all around, right?
Um, not exactly.
Weddings are a world of emotionality and have the unique habit of highlighting all kinds of issues. From feuding in-laws to green-eyed siblings and maid of honour mayhem, being a bride-to-be can be fraught with familial and friendship fuss.
The spotlight doesn't just linger over you as a couple, but stalks your every move as you attempt to plan, people please, mediate and mingle with all your nearest and dearest, which - in theory - should be a time of special social outings and celebration.
More often that not, you will encounter problems with people at some stage during the prelude, and perhaps even on the day itself. We're not scaremongering, but simply reminding you that it's an entirely normal and navigable phenomenon.
Plus, there are upsides to reassessing your relationships. Many brides report a newfound fondness for older relatives who impart invaluable wisdom and advice. Long-lost friendships can be renewed and lifetime links between families forged.
So let's dig a little deeper into what to expect as the wedding day approaches...
MOTHER-DAUGHTER
Even without a wedding, this is one of the most complicated dynamics that exists. Whether you have a practically perfect or rocky relationship, it's time to tackle and mutually resolve any issues.
Weddings can weirdly elicit the worst in people. That dogmatic nature she freely exercised before realising you are an autonomous adult being may rear its unwelcome head. Her unconditional love may be translated into mollycoddling of the most controlling kind.
Bad memories of her own disastrous day may incite her impulse to right the wrongs with yours. Some mothers still believe it's their right to design their daughter's day as an unspoken generational tradition.
In wanting what's best for you, she may become dictatorial or painstakingly precious. She may step back altogether and appear dismissive or completely disinterested.
You (hopefully) know your mother. If things seem strained or you're feeling undue pressure, then the best tactic is to talk.
Assumptions can be made early on about presumed roles, but by vocalising what she can help you with and precisely how, you'll both be clearer about boundaries. In short, inclusiveness and communication are key, leaving you both to relax and relish your relationship, which will undoubtedly benefit as a result.
FRIENDS
You'd think that planning a party and inviting your friends to join you would be the extent of it. That they'd happily show up, eat, drink and be merry as you all enjoy a day's revelry in a lifetime. But with bridesmaids, plus ones and guest lists in the mix, it's not always that easy.
The trick here is to keep schtum on the details until you have made a definite decision. If people ask questions or assert assumptions and you're unsure, simply tell them you haven't got that far yet, or dismiss them outright: it's easier at this stage in the game than six months down the line when erroneous word has been spread by others. By then, it's either a hard and embarrassing let-down or accepting that you're footing the bill for all your ten third-cousins-removed to be flower girls.
If you're limited by space or budget, then simply explain that to people. You'd love to have them/their plus ones there but you have to prioritise family - yours as well as your soon-to-be-spouse's. Stage an exclusive after-party for them instead. Remember: true friends understand and love you anyway. Forget about fair-weathers.
SIBLINGS
General consensus, along with personal experience, has led me to discover that however you usually are with your brothers and sisters is generally exaggerated during the pre-wedding period.
This is good news if you have a rock-steady relationship. But if there's a seasoned frostiness present, for whatever reason, then simply resign any difficulties to that - or now's prime time to speak up once and for all.
Of course, any residual childhood or adolescent resentment is always a little omnipresent in any circumstance. If your sister has always been something of a prima donna, for example, then it's unlikely she'll ditch the diva behaviour completely. Ask her politely to tone it down or ignore it (which is often the trick, anyway!)
THE IN-LAWS
The mother-in-law is often portrayed as your anti-Christ. From Jacobean tragedies to Freudian psychology and popular culture, she's commonly depicted as a conniving, hyperreal monster. In reality, if anything's amiss, it's usually the fact that she might feel as if you are replacing her and is suddenly superfluous to her son's needs.
Making her feel wanted and appreciated is a good way to remain on good terms so, again, clearly defined roles are imperative. That's not to say that you become a bona fide Bridezilla. As with all successful relationships, it's about meeting in the middle and negotiation. Ask her how she'd like to contribute and offer up tasks that you think she'd be good at or you'd be happy handing to her.
If money matters are in play, things can get tricky. But remember: just because she's paying for the photographer or florist doesn't automatically mean that she gets to decide who they are. Ask her to come up with a shortlist for you to pick from or give her one - then at least you know you'll favour the final decision.
DISTANT RELATIVES
This can be one of the most contentious issues in the planning process. Sometimes it's a balance between biting the bullet and sticking to your guns, so exercise both strength and sensitivity.
For example, your aunt's family lives hundreds of miles away and never sees you, but their attendance is really important to your mum. Compromise by adding just your aunt to the guest list but explaining that you haven't got space or money for any more cousins you've never met. Or, if mum still insists, perhaps suggest that she kindly adds to the money pot to make it happen.
Remember that ultimately - as cliched as it sounds - it's your day. You want to look around and be greeted by smiling familiar faces, not a sea of anonymous grins and awkward introductions. If they're not in your life, despite their bloodline, then don't sweat it.
And don't succumb to the 'we went to their wedding, so they have to come to ours' mentality. Everyone's event is different. Times, relationships and circumstances continually change. Marriage is about moving on and making your own family.
As George Bernard Shaw once wisely said: "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
words Hannah May
Copyright wed magazine 2014
