‘Best man’ is a horribly elitist title, like best friend, best drinking buddy or best pulling pants. But if you really have to find a male worthy of the title ‘best man’, why not use the following selection criteria before going for the obvious best friend option. With 10 being ‘very bad’ and 1 being ‘excellent’, how does your man shape up?



Appearance & sex appeal              

Picture the scene: Chewbacca is standing next to you in church, sweating like Johnny Vegas in his Primark suit and reeking of piss and Pilsner – it’s not going to reflect well on you is it? Standing up there with the missing link at your side doesn’t say much about you and your concept of the term ‘best’. Make sure you choose a best man who has the potential to look almost as smart as you will on the big day, thus avoiding evils from the bride. But, like the bride not wanting her maids to upstage her in the wow department, ask yourself this question before selecting your best man: is he better looking than me? If he is, bin him and opt for the sweaty yeti.

Intelligence & common sense           

There’s more to being best man than propping you up in church while the residual alcohol floating around your system from the night before makes one last stand to floor you. Does your best man have the brains to babysit the ring, organise a stag do that epitomises the very essence of hedonism and scribe a speech that Shakespeare would be proud of? If the answer is no, say goodbye to Baldrick and choose another best man.

Reliability                        
 It’s all very well opting for a best man who would rival Mensa’s finest, but will he live up to his credentials and deliver on the day? You don’t want to be waiting at the altar for him when you should be waiting for her. And the vision of a man frantically searching his pockets for the one ring to bind you and your bride in wedded matrimony is the stuff of nightmares. If the candidate is the type who promises you and your mates’ nights of male camaraderie but then forgets to organise meeting times or, worse still, forgets to turn up at the do they’ve masterminded, would you be happy with him planning and resourcing the most important day of your life i.e. the stag day?

Strength                          
Pubs and clubs have never been venues of social passivity. You’re never too far away from a group of males that prowl and growl their way around drinking spots, bearing their teeth like angry bears in search of fisticuffs. You need a protector on your stag night: someone who is as skilled as Bruce Lee, tough as Rocky and ruthless as Bourne. The job of bodyguard normally falls on the best man so pick someone who has the strength of ten bears rather than ten teddies.  

Oratory skills                      

And finally, don’t pick a best man who has the oratory skills of Ozzie Osborne.  There will be moments on your wedding day when the best man will need to face the crowd and speak on your behalf – most notably the dreaded after dinner speech. Choose someone confident who booms like Tom Baker.


Words Robin Fuller

Copyright WED Magazine 2010