Planning Your Wedding

Bridesmaid Issues

Bridesmaid Issues

Things to consider when choosing your bridesmaids

Most of us have girlfriends from all corners of our lives but how and who do we choose to follow us down the aisle on the most important day of our lives?



Girlfriends, it's time to go forth and choose wisely!

If you've recently become engaged, you'll know all too well the dreamy haze you find yourself in. Your head is on cloud nine, it's full of plans and to-do lists: where you'll get married, when you'll get married, the dress, guest list and, of course, your bridesmaids.

Bridesmaids Cornwall 2
Nick Walker

You might already know who they are; you might have already asked them; perhaps it's your sister or best friend. But what if you have more than one best friend or lots of close friends who all consider themselves your bestie? And what about your sister-in-law-to-be? Friends you've known for years? Uni mates? Putting them in order of importance is impossible.


First things to consider: are they dependable? Do they have time to invest in your wedding planning? Do they live miles away? Can they afford to be a bridesmaid? Will they cause drama in the run-up to or, worse, ON the big day? With these in mind, we've put together some vital tips for choosing your best girls.

Bridesmaids Cornwall 1
Nick Walker

1. Don't get carried away
When your other half pops the question you'll be so excited you won't know where to start, your head will spin in a whirl of tulle and your Pinterest account will go into overdrive. Like any normal just-engaged, you'll call all your friends to tell them the news. But take a breath. Let things settle before you mention the B word to anyone. "Take your time. Once you have asked someone to be your bridesmaid it's extremely difficult to un-ask them if you change your mind; let the excitement of being engaged mellow before selecting," advises Jenny Phipps of Jenny Wren Weddings and Events (jennywrenweddingsandevents.co.uk). You might just be glad you did later down the line if that uni friend you haven't seen for ten years rocks up with a bad attitude or you suddenly realise you have a 15-strong crowd to buy dresses for.

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Maxi Photography

2. Remember numbers
There is no rule of thumb when it comes to how many bridesmaids you have, but it is important to choose wisely. Before you know it, three becomes six and you're trying to find a dress that suits a plethora of ages and sizes. But just because you have six good friends doesn't mean you have to have six bridesmaids. "Not only does each additional maid come with a potential price tag (dress, bouquet etc.) but too many maids = too many opinions (think dress selection and hen dos)," warns Jenny. Every wedding has a budget and the more bridesmaids you have, the more expensive your wedding will be. "The number of bridesmaids also depends on the size of your wedding party and the style of your chosen wedding venue," says Tracy Edwards of Blue Fizz Events (bluefizzevents.co.uk). "For a more intimate wedding, you should choose a smaller bridal party. For a large wedding party in a huge country house or stately home for example, a large bridal party will beautifully mirror the heightened sense of occasion."

Bridesmaids Cornwall 3
Kirstin Prisk

3. Choose a chief bridesmaid...
The chief bridesmaid (or maid of honour) has a very special role. Not only is she chief organiser of your hen do, she is your right-hand woman. This should be someone who you trust implicitly and who you know will never let you down. She is the person who will fix your dress as you hear the first notes of Pachelbel's Canon, touch-up your hair and make-up, hold your bouquet, and ensure everything is exactly as it should be. "You've been picked as you're one of the bride's closest friends and you probably know her better than anyone, so a calm, stress-free influence is definitely recommended," advises Charlotte Lodey of Eve Wedding Design (eveweddingdesign.co.uk). And who says this special role has to be carried out by a female? "If your best friend is a man there is no reason why he can not make up part of the bridal party - your man of honour perhaps!" says Jenny.

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Helen Lisk

... and several friends of honour
If you find yourself having to whittle down your friends, allocating friends of honour is a great way to show them how special they are without asking them to be bridesmaids. You might incorporate your colour scheme into their outfits via wrist corsages or fresh-flower necklaces, or choose a flower that reflects your bouquet for their hair. When it comes to the speeches, make sure your friends of honour are given a special mention, too. "At a recent wedding I coordinated, all the special friends that weren't bridesmaids or groomsmen chose or wrote a short story/poem which was displayed on each of the tables, which added a really personal touch," says Charlotte. "A popular way to include special friends in the ceremony is to ask them to do a reading that you choose together," she adds.

Bridesmaids Cornwall4
Kirstin Prisk

4. Always opt for dependable
You need to be able to rely on your bridesmaids. You need to trust that they won't flake on you at the last minute for dress fittings; that they will show up to your hen do; that they can help with decorations; be there for your rehearsal (and on the day!); and be available for any last-minute alterations. They should also offer you emotional support. "Both during the run-up when you may be feeling stressed and on the day itself when you're full of nerves and excitement, your bridesmaids should be a shoulder to cry on, a friend to moan to and super patient," says Jenny. If you know, deep down, that your friend, as lovely as she may be, is as reliable as a teenage tearaway, then having her as your bridesmaid could cause you more hassle than it's worth.

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Picshore Photography

5. Don't do dramas
Your bridesmaids should alleviate stress - not cause it. "You can avoid dramas by ensuring roles are clear and each bridesmaid feels they have their own responsibilities," says Tracy. "Those that naturally work well as a team can embark upon projects together, and those who work better on their own should be given individual tasks. Each team member will need to be assured of their valuable input and feel a fully bonded team player when the group comes together." Once you've chosen your girls and the planning gets underway, you might find yourself faced with unexpected hiccups - pregnancy bumps or hair colour and style changes, perhaps. Making allowances for a change of circumstances is fine, but if a bridesmaid is constantly unavailable for fittings, hen do plans or wedding talk in general, and begins letting you down and causing drama without plausible reasons, you need to recognise these red flags and take action, sooner rather than later. "It's your wedding, not your bridesmaid's, and if they can't grasp that then you should calmly and politely explain this to them. Try and be as rational as possible - after all, you picked your bridesmaid for a reason," says Claudia Montano of Claudia Montano Wedding and Event Planning (claudiamontano.co.uk).

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Paul Keppel

6. Backtracking is never good
No bride should have to ask her bridesmaid to step down, and doing so can be awkward for both parties. If you find yourself in this position, you need to make it as painless as possible. Be direct, but be discreet (probably don't post it on Facebook). Whatever the circumstances, whether you've had a blazing row or she is just not as available as you first thought, when you un-ask her, do it with dignity. Let her know you think it would be best for both of you if she came as a guest only - that way you can both enjoy the day without worrying. Remember, keep it clean and un-mean.

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Emma Solley

7. Consider costs
It's important to be upfront about any costs from the start so your bridesmaids know exactly what they will be paying for. If you have a big budget you might be able to cover these costs yourself, but if you don't then they will need to know sooner rather than later to avoid any financial misunderstandings (you don't want them to rack up a bill in Vera Wang longer than your train and then leave you at the till). If your bridesmaids are buying their own dresses it's worth asking them to let you know their budget and if you can, perhaps meet them halfway. A great way to tackle costs is to suggest saving whatever they can every month and over the course of a year they will have money set aside for the hen do and dress.

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Liberty Pearl

8. Make sure they can multitask
Bridesmaids do so much more than wear a pretty dress and walk up the aisle. It's important to remember that while your friends might be delighted at the prospect of being a bridesmaid, they might not fully appreciate just what is involved. Your bridesmaids need to be able to communicate and cooperate - particularly when it comes to dress shopping and organising the hen do. Amongst other pre-wedding duties, they should be on hand to help decorate your venue and attend the rehearsal, so they know when to come in and where to stand without you having to stage-manage them as you try to say your vows! On the day, they will need to be available to get ready with you, so if you have friends with young children, discuss childcare arrangements in advance (two-year-olds and delicate dresses don't always mix!). And there's no kicking back when the wedding kicks off. "They should hold your dress up when you need them to, preen you to perfection before photographs, distribute confetti to guests, ensure you all have your bouquets before walking down the aisle, organise the throwing of the bouquet afterwards, assist with any toast mastering duties and organisation of guests if required...generally be there for you in case you need anything," says Jenny. "And dance! Even when the DJ is drawing a crowd of only Auntie Eunice bopping to the Macarena, the bridesmaids should be kicking off their heels and getting involved!"

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Emma Solley

POP THE QUESTION

We love these memorable ways to ask your best girls to be your bridesmaids...

Treat time. "Give your girls a little gift basket. They can be as small or grand as you'd like, but should be personal to you and the bridal party. Fill them with your favourite cocktails, some bridal party PJs, and even some favourite snacks," says Claudia.

Planned to perfection. "Give each bridesmaid a planner/journal with photos of you together on the cover. They can use this to keep notes, stick in their ideas for dresses, flowers, colour schemes and the hen party, and make them really feel part of the process," suggests Charlotte.

Accessorise all areas
. "Give your besties matching necklaces or bracelets that they can wear for the wedding. There are plenty of personalised options available that come with 'be my bridesmaid' cards, or you can even get crafty and make them yourself!" suggests Claudia.

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Enchanted Brides

Make it personal
. "A favourite idea of mine is to give them matching silk robes with their names stitched on the back. Not only can they keep and re-use these gifts, but it makes for brilliant morning-of-the-wedding photos!" says Claudia.

Made with love
. "I recently came across a bridal party who had each received handmade purses in their favourite colour with their name embroidered on the front. Inside was a little message sewn onto a label saying 'will you be my bridesmaid?' - cute!" says Charlotte.

Bridesmaids Cornwall9
Alexa Poppe

words Clare Frances

Copyright Wed magazine 2016



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