Tying the knot means taking your husband’s name…right? Wed wades into the debate. The question has been asked for centuries. The great Bard himself immortalised the issue in one of his most famous plays. So what truly is in a name?

Whether you’re grappling with the issue or still at the musing stage, the question of changing your name will require a degree of serious contemplation at some point. You may have already, instinctively, made a decision. But have you considered all the options?

Though it is traditional for the bride to adopt her husband’s surname – and the majority of women still adhere to this convention – there is a number of alternatives that constitute a compromise or personalised marital mark of address.

Don’t buckle under the pressure of cultural norms and make a decision that you’re uncomfortable with. The modern age supposedly encourages an independent mind across the genders, supporting autonomy with a vigour many previous generations were denied. The freedom to change your name – or not – is a choice and a liberty you should relish, not dread.



Though the extreme ends of the debate source their arguments from feministic theory, citing patriarchal dominance and sex discrimination as the reasons why women are still socially compelled to change their names, others perceive the matter as the ultimate expression of how far women have come in the struggle for equality. The mere fact that it is a choice – and something decided by women’s whims rather than male dominance – is the ultimate in female sovereignty.

For Diane Jobes, it was an easy decision: “I was proud to change my name. I think part of being married is becoming a family with your husband. Even if we had chosen not to have children, I would have changed my name as I believe this is part of marriage.” The crux of the issue, then, may simply reside in age-old individual belief. However, Diane’s reference to the subject of children is a recurrent theme in the debate.

Rachel Godwin agrees that assuming your husband’s name makes pragmatic sense: “When I married my husband ten years ago I changed my name to his, mainly because I knew we were going to have children and it is a lot easier having the same surname as your children.” Yet Rachel concedes that an element of societal and familial expectation was also in play: “I guess too my parents expected me to change my name and it was kind of the ‘done thing’.” This may well beg the question as to whether a balance is indeed achievable or whether the issue will always be one of conflict – a potential marital minefield fraught with contention.

For some, changing your name to your husband’s signifies an unequivocal dedication to him and your life together as a bona fide couple: “I believe a name is an identity which has unique and personal meanings to the beholder – some good some bad,” remarks Felicity Woodrow. “I'm getting married in September and there was no question about me taking my husband-to-be’s surname. Becoming Mr. & Mrs. X shows that we are united, a pair, and surely isn't that what marriage is all about?”

Her fiancé David is of a similar mindset: “Apart from it being traditional to take the husband’s surname, it’s visual confirmation of what makes you a 'proper' couple – Mr. and Mrs. So and So: a statement celebrating the fact that we are married.  Some people with different views would say, ‘what’s in a name?’ But I feel it is an identity of how you are known, and how you want to be perceived by others.”

The case can be a convincing one, and Kelly Simms was surprised to find herself in agreement: “I was brought up in a house full of women and I always felt very strongly that I would keep my name 'Thomas' if ever I got married. However, as the years went by, I began to reflect on how my Mum had raised us girls and thought that actually my Dad’s name didn't mean all that much to me...” Kelly’s ideas continued to alter when she met her now husband, David. “From the very beginning I felt so proud of him, of the man he is...I wanted his name and having lived with it for a year I am beginning to really feel like Mrs. Kelly Simms!”

Though there are obvious advantages and an emotional solidification that can transpire from the traditional route, couples can achieve a unitary naming status in more ways than one. It is relatively rare and requires some record and document changing via Deed Poll, but the man can adopt his bride’s name. Nell Ruscombe-King married two years ago: “I was fairly sure I wouldn't change my name if I ever got married, and shared this with my then boyfriend to let him know it wasn't personal to him and his name, just how I felt about my name. I had spent 25 years getting to know Nell Ruscombe-King and I didn't know Nell somebody else. My father died of cancer when I was nine years old and I cannot deny this probably had some bearing on how I felt about my name. I told my boyfriend early on in the relationship I wouldn't consider changing my surname and that truthfully I was looking for someone to take on my surname when we married. So eight years later that is exactly what he did!”
 
“Giles signed his Deed Poll form just before we signed the marriage register, so just like a woman, he changed his name at our wedding. At that moment he became Giles Ruscombe-King.”

Giles happily relates their reasoning: “I knew where Nell was coming from wanting to retain her father's surname and not just memories. On the contrary, the sperm donor to my mother's egg did little else for the four years he was with my Mum, brother and I, so keeping his name alive meant little to me. Giles and Nell Ruscombe-King are two people in love with two boys to bring up and send off into the world. I hope they find someone who they feel they'll do anything for, big or small.”

On the flipside, getting married does not necessarily precipitate a name change of any kind. Whatever tradition dictates, changing your name is a legal right, not a legal duty or obligation, and many women opt to maintain their maiden name.
Work is a predominant reason for the decision, as Ruth Macpherson explains: “I had been who I am for 35 years and was very happy with that, and also felt as I had built up a business in that name, I was even more entrenched in it. When I broached it with my husband he was completely astonished. Initially I said that I would keep it for the business and change everything else – but in reality I haven't actually changed anything. Our daughter’s surname is our married name, so where it comes to anything to do with her, I sign as my married name so as not to cause confusion.”

Rebecca Jay had already been married before with a name change and decided to retain her reverted maiden name rather than change again: “I was known as Rebecca Jay professionally by then and the hassle of changing all the bank details and passport just seemed too much! I discussed this with my now husband of 14 years and he was only too happy that I did not change my name, agreeing that Jay was simpler to pronounce (his name is Hough) and why should a woman feel forced to take her husband's name anyway?”

Enabling congruence and strengthening links between siblings is the reason why Aimee Blackman kept her maiden name: “I had two sons from a previous relationship who both had my surname as I was not married to the father. When my husband and I had another baby, we decided that the baby should also have my surname – this way there is no confusion with schools and it gives the boys a strong sense of family and belonging to each other, after all they will still be brothers after I am long gone.”

Husband Mark Foster agrees: “Our children find it very important that they have the same name – it gives them a sense of identity and bonds them together. Their family will continue long after we’re gone so the bond set now is what will be carried for generations to come.”

In a similar vein, Kirsten Whiting chose not to change her surname. “I have been married for nine very happy years and haven't changed my name... in fact it didn't occur to me that it was 'expected' until people at work started asking what my new name would be. I have two small children who have my husband's surname and I did wonder whether I should change mine to avoid confusion. I also had concerns that we would be 'judged' as a family if people thought we weren't married but quickly came to the conclusion that other people's preconceptions are not my problem! I just don't feel comfortable taking someone else’s name, even someone I love dearly! I am sometimes asked about my decision and I show them this poem (see box-out) which I carry in my handbag.”

Kirsten’s husband Andy comments: "It didn't cross my mind that Kirsten would change her name when we got married. After we were married, she just carried on being Kirsten Whiting – the same person she had been for the eight years we'd been together before deciding to make a legal commitment to one another. I'm completely happy with her decision – I’d have been equally happy if she had wanted to change her name but it seems odd to me that marriage necessitates a change of identity for a woman. We married each other – it wasn't a one-way transaction."

These reflections highlight the importance of ancestral links and heritage as another aspect to consider. Not only is marriage regarded as the joining of two individuals, but often signifies the merging of two families, two bloodlines and multiple histories. An apt way to reflect this amalgamation is to hyphenate, or double barrel names.

Having recently married, Pirate FM presenter Kathryn Le Jeune strived to resolve her personal conflict. “After 37 years it seems really odd to suddenly be changing my surname totally, especially from a professional point of view – both on and off air I am known by my initials! My husband would like me to totally change my name, but when it came to practicing my signature it just felt too different so I’ve double barreled: Le Jeune-Hearn. It’s a bit of a mouthful, but we are both happy with this and I can be Kathryn Le Jeune for work and Kathryn Hearn when I need to be – perfectly matching the Gemini that I am!”

Her husband Sam is supportive of her decision: “As far as the debate goes I’m a little more traditional. I am happy if Kathryn wants to keep parts of her name. If she wants to be referred to as Le Jeune-Hearn that is fine or to keep her professional name the same, I have no problem.”

Other ways to incorporate each other’s identities can be to use your maiden name as each other’s middle names or to create an entirely new name for the pair of you – either by using both your surnames to form one name, or by creating an entirely new one. Both options require a change by Deed Poll after marriage.

Incorporating her maiden name as a middle part of her full name is the option that Jessica May feels most comfortable with regarding her forthcoming nuptials to fiancé, Liam Kearey. “All my brothers and sisters have the name ‘May’ and I want to keep that connection with them. It maintains a sense of identity and close sibling link.” She continues, “Also, my dad died when I was young and I feel it’s important to keep his memory alive. My children are already Keareys and I feel that it’s important for me to have the same name as them whilst not forgetting who I am.” 

In some parts of the world, the name changing aspect of matrimony is something of a non-issue. Susan Anthony explains: “Many European countries do not work the same way, for example in Spain your surname does not change when you’re married – children take both names. Also, in Iceland daughters take the mother’s name and sons the father’s, for example, Magnus Magnuson (son of Magnus) and Dottier is daughter of.”

The fact that it is culturally inflected demonstrates that there is no Shangri-La regarding the debate. It is your choice and one that is only personally justifiable to serve your self, and no one else. Shakespeare’s lovers were divided by a name but, centuries later, there’s no reason for it to be the cause of a modern day drama.


'Maiden Name' by Philip Larkin

Marrying left your maiden name disused.
Its five light sounds no longer mean your face,
Your voice, and all your variants of grace;
For since you were so thankfully confused
By law with someone else, you cannot be
Semantically the same as that young beauty:
It was of her that these two words were used.

Now it's a phrase applicable to no one,
Lying just where you left it, scattered through
Old lists, old programmes, a school prize or two,
Packets of letters tied with tartan ribbon -
Then is it scentless, weightless, strengthless wholly
Untruthful? Try whispering it slowly.
No, it means you. Or, since your past and gone,

It means what we feel now about you then:
How beautiful you were, and near, and young,
So vivid, you might still be there among
Those first few days, unfingermarked again.
So your old name shelters our faithfulness,
Instead of losing shape and meaning less
With your depreciating luggage laden.
 
words Hannah May
illustrations Cally Gibson

Copyright WED magazine 2010