Drowning in a sea of dos, don'ts and modern 'maid protocol? Fret no more. The road to bridesmaid bliss begins here.

Bridesmaids. Your innermost circle of female buddies, your closest confidantes, your sisters on the road to married life. They’re the ones you can trust in to coo over your gown, ease your agonising over the table décor and mop your brow after a particularly boozy hen night. As a source of moral support, the bridesmaid role is a crucial one.

But cast out those visions of the identikit bridesmaids of yesteryear. Forget the masked grins that failed to hide an obvious distaste for the matching puffball sleeved neon green frocks. Erase the cliché of the perfectly polished friend slipping into sozzled disarray and proceeding to gyrate seductively against the best man during the inevitable Shania Twain number.

For times have changed. Rules have been broken. A good number of traditions have been trashed (just maybe not the one involving the booze and the best man).

If you’re feeling a little lost on the modern bridesmaid conundrum, let Wed guide you, from the proposal through to the party.


Rob Frost Photography

A question of who?
Perhaps you picked your bridesmaids back in 1990 when you first developed that crush on the gorgeous boy in your class with the curtains hair cut and Nike Airs. Or perhaps the thought of deciding between your group of gals is enough to regularly wake you in a cold sweat.

If you’re the latter, don’t fret. The whole concept of bridesmaids is supposed to be about easing the bride’s stress levels, not adding to it. Put some careful consideration into your decision, but save the sweating for the face-off with your mother over the guest list.

Let’s start with the question of how many. There are no hard and fast rules, though the number is often relative to the scale of the wedding and the size of the venue. Whether you envision a Katie Price style entourage or a minimalist approach, the number is up to you – though do bear in mind, the more bridesmaids you have, the more communicating and coordinating you’ll have to do, so choose a manageable (and, if you’re paying, affordable) number.

So you’ve got a number in mind. Now comes the big decision: who to choose? Remember that a bridesmaid isn’t just there to look pretty: a good bridesmaid will have a number of attributes that will make life a whole lot easier for you. She will be a genuine friend; she will be supportive and know how to have fun. She will be happy to muck in and help you write place cards or do a bit of online research for the exact shade of biodegradable confetti. And, most importantly, she will be willing to endure endless shopping trips, wedding talk and last minute meltdowns. Don’t feel pressured into picking someone you don’t want. It is an entirely personal choice – and the right group of ‘maids will make the whole process of planning your wedding, and the day itself, less stressful and more enjoyable.

If you do find yourself in a situation where you have to make tough decisions between friends, don’t torture yourself with visions of rifts and hard feelings. Remember, you left the playground behind a long time ago and good friends will understand. As wedding planner Sasha Wilkinson from A Certain Style asserts, your close friends can still be involved in the planning process, “Give them special jobs, such as a reading in the church or helping you choose the perfect dress.”

And don’t forget the crucial issue of timing. “It is worth deciding on your bridesmaids before you announce the engagement,” Sasha advises. “That way, you can ask them straight away, which is important if you think you’ve made a potentially contentious decision.” During the excited babble of breaking your news, you could find yourself spontaneously ‘popping the question’ to more friends than you envisioned, which you may come to regret later.


Andrew Hawker Photography

The dress dilemma
Historically, bridesmaids would dress in identical clothing as the bride to confuse evil spirits that were believed to be present at marriage ceremonies. The Victorian era, however, heralded change and the emergence of the white wedding dress, which ensured the bride stood out from the crowd.

Although the bridesmaids’ role is no longer to fight off sinister forces, a congruent sense of style – often chosen to reflect the season, colour scheme or vibe of the wedding – persists. For example, a laidback beach themed wedding lends itself to vibrant turquoise, aquamarine of tropical hues, while a vintage style wedding might require bridesmaid dresses with flouncy ‘50s skirts or tea length cuts accessorised with pearls.

Many brides still opt for the traditional route of matching dresses, and perhaps you’ll be one of the blessed few who has all your girls sold on the first dress you see. Or perhaps you won’t be so lucky. The notoriously difficult task of finding a style and colour of dress that flatters a series of different body shapes, hair colours and skin tones has many a bride reaching for the nearest bottle of Chardonnay. In recent years, some brides have made life easier for themselves by choosing a dress designer and fabric, then giving each bridesmaid the licence to pick a style that suits their body shape.

Now things have moved on a step further. The latest trend sees brides simply selecting a colour then allowing their bridesmaids to choose a dress from any designer in that hue. Some brides are even permitting their bridesmaids to select the colour of their choice. Not only does this take the pressure off you, your bridesmaids will feel comfortable in a dress they have chosen, which they are more likely to wear again. Modern bridesmaid design is altogether more sophisticated, elegant and downright stylish than it used to be, allowing each of your ‘maids to step out in a flattering and fabulous outfit. Plus, a series of different designs in one shade – or several – gives a bridal party an eclectic and fashion forward edge. Forget uniformity – diversity is the key to chic bridesmaids, 2010 style.

Money matters
Ahh, the tricky topic of finance. Things have moved on rapidly from the good old days, when the financing of a wedding was neatly left to the bride’s parents to sort out. Of course, in many cases, the traditional breakdown of payments still applies and the costs of the bridesmaids will be entirely covered in the bridal budget.

However, as couples are increasingly sharing the cost of their weddings with their parents, or financing their weddings themselves, the breakdown of who pays for what has become less clear-cut – and, in turn, so has the issue of the bridesmaids’ financial contribution. “Brides who are restricted by a tight budget will often ask the bridesmaids to pay,” says Sasha. “Or the bridesmaids will at least pay for their own accessories such as shoes and jewellery.”

Requesting the bridesmaids to foot the bill is more difficult if you have a specific vision for the dress code, “If you want a uniform look, it is unlikely they will be happy to pay as each bridesmaid is bound to want something different,” warns Sasha. If you’ve given your bridesmaids free rein to choose an outfit, then it is more reasonable to request they pay for it – particularly if it’s a style that they can wear again.

To avoid misunderstandings and potential tensions down the line, outline from the start what costs you will need your bridesmaids to cover. Approach the issue with caution and sensitivity; some are likely to be restricted by a slim budget – so forget the to-die-for Christian Louboutins and suggest items within their means.

Party planners
Once upon a time, a lady’s last night of singledom might have been marked with a cup of tea and a game of whist. Not anymore. These days, the hen do might be anything from a luxury spa weekend to a raucous night at a local nightclub involving a heady combo of handcuffs, L-plates and naked men.

Whatever the chosen mode of celebration, the bridesmaids usually have an essential role in its organisation. “Traditionally it is the chief bridesmaid’s job, but it is often done by several people,” says Sasha. “It is becoming more common for the bride to organise it herself, particularly if she has been married before or is marring later in life.”

Whoever is ultimately charged with the responsibility, make sure they are aware of the things you like and, perhaps more importantly, hate. The hen do has become an important rite of passage for us girls and the last thing you want is to be subjected to an awkward cringe fest of strippers, plastic willies and whipped cream if it really isn’t your style.

A trusty team of bridesmaids will choose the perfect event, the ideal venue and invite all the right people – so all you’ll have to do is relax and have fun.

On the day
So, as far as the bridesmaids are concerned, it’s all about looking pretty from here on in, right? Well, not quite. “Bridesmaids are there to help the bride get ready, steady her nerves and make sure she looks her very best,” says Sasha. With hairdressers and makeup artists to coordinate and possibly little ones to get ready, the chief bridesmaid will often oversee the preparations and ensure everything runs smoothly.

Before the ceremony, it is usually the chief bridesmaid’s responsibility to make sure the bride is prepared for her grand entrance, arranging the dress and veil and ensuring any little attendants are in the right place.

Then there’s the toilet issue: “Throughout the day, the bridesmaids often help the bride go to the loo,” says Sasha. “With small cubicles and huge amounts of netting, it is not an easy job on your own!”

Finally, there’s the requirement to party. After all, it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a wedding reception without tipsy bridesmaids busting some moves to ‘D.I.S.C.O.’ can hardly be described as a wedding party at all.

words Rebecca Matthews

Copyright WED magazine 2010